YAF to Save Free Speech on Campus by Reviving the Rambler

The Eagle has swooped in to save the Rambler: In a YouTube video posted today, the Transylvania Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) pledged to support the Rambler financially. This monetary support will end the Rambler holdout with university officials. YAF was first drawn to the Rambler for its old school print format, but fell in love with content like the DPS ride along series. “We just didn’t want the Rambler to end up as a civil liberty tombstone. The loss would have hurt as much as when they banned Big Swig Soda in New York.”

A senior Rambler editor went on record thanking YAF for the funds necessary to keep the Rambler online. “This is our first time hearing about Young Americans for Freedom and we’re kind of confused about what YAF even is, but we’re excited about our new partnership and the ability to speak openly in Alumni Plaza.” The Rambler is looking forward to the boost in funding provided by the deep pockets of YAF. “We’re proud to announce Free Market Fridays – a new series of podcasts detailing different aspects of Transy’s budget.”

The Shambler, who prides itself on having little government interaction, has not faced a similar budget crisis due to its reliance on private business ventures. These have ranged from selling tickets to Raf’s tomb, selling cups and silverware in the caf, and bribing admissions ambassadors to “show the real side of Transy” to tours. The Shambler will be funded for the 2019-2020 academic year.

YAF now controls both major campus news outlets.

BREAKING:Transylvania Dean Colluding With Centre Admissions Ambassadors

After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.

This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.

Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”

“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.

When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.

In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.

-Reuben Cave

BREAKING: Culprit Behind the Forrer Flood Discovered

Lexington–
Last Saturday, residents of Forrer Hall were surprised by a sudden surge of floodwaters. Spilling out of a bathroom stall, a high pressure stream of water spat gallon after gallon of water onto the floor. It didn’t take long for the water to become ankle deep, working its way down from the third floor, all the way to the computer lab in the basement. Damages were widespread; student property, campus computers, furniture, and infrastructure were all affected by the unwanted water.

To deal with the damages, a team was created out of a combination of DPS officers, RA’s, and an emergency disaster protection group. Members of each group worked around the clock to make sure that the students were safe and the water was stopped. By the time the water was stopped, the leading theory was that corroded pipes had caused the damage.

However, we here at the Shambler have discovered a much more sinister truth:
The flood was caused by none other than the 3rd Davis Basilisk, which until recently was thought to have vacated campus after being discovered living on the Pike Hall last year.

One eyewitness, who requested anonymity, recounted the situation; “There I was, brushing my teeth, trying to forget about the horrors of finals week, when I suddenly heard a strange whispering sound. I went around the corner to investigate, when it erupted from the bathroom stall in a huge explosion of water. I mean, it was pretty clearly a Basilisk, and thankfully I was just trying to get the Snapchat, so I didn’t actually make eye contact.”

The story seems to line up with widespread reports of Basilisk-related injuries that had been circulating throughout Forrer all year. Some students had been found completely petrified in various locations, such as the bathrooms, the hallways, and in some cases, their own rooms.

“In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious that it was the Basilisk causing problems again,” said senior Clark Murray, “Though we did blame the petrification on the normal things, like Caf food, the flu, or that blackish mold that likes to grow in the Forrer rooms.. You know the stuff.”

Since eyewitnesses have begun to spring up, DPS has once again coordinated a search effort with the Quidditch team. The Shambler will be back with updates as the story develops.

– Reuben Cave

Campus Prepares For Eileen Ivers To Redefine Metal

Transylvania and Eileen Ivers are busy making preparations for the noted Irish musician to rock so fucking hard on Wednesday, October 7^th.

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve looked up to Eileen Ivers,” said sophomore Tristan Samsonite. “In middle school when the other kids were listening to poser bands like Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance, I found solace in her lilting Irish melodies and soul-rending lyrics.”

Ms. Ivers gained notoriety following her independent debut cover album “Celtic Crucifixion”, featuring hit singles ‘For Whom The Belfast Tolls’ and  ‘Down With The Guinness’. Opening for Eileen “The Bonebruiser” Ivers on Wednesday will be a cover band consisting only of 35 guitar players performing the collected works of noted classical music ensemble Dropkick Murphys. Tickets will cost you the use of your non-dominant hand at the door, or a pint of your own blood in advance. All proceeds go to the Lexington Blood Bank.

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

Transylvania Reveals New Logo & Rebrand

A long anticipated announcement about was made by Vice President of Communications and Marketing Michele Sparks this morning, revealing the new brand of Transylvania University. The crusty old logo, which has been the brand of the University for over 25 years has finally been replaced to welcome a fresh face in a time of progress and development at Transy.

VP Sparks spoke upon a dusty stage on the ruins of Clay hall:

“We had meeting after meeting arguing about the logo, about whether to incorporate Old Morrison, the rose T, or Haupt, and what message to draw from all of that. It was stressful. Just when the Commmunications team was ready to give up and just keep the old logo for several more decades, I had a revelation. After walking along 4th street after work, an SUV swerved and pummeled the stone ‘Transylvania University’ sign at the 4th-Broadway intersection, it was both symbolic and enlightening. Make the logo a monstrous wrecking ball crashing into a slab labeled ‘Transy’. I brought it to the team meeting the next day, and the Old Morrison conference room lit up; everyone was on immediately on board. Why strive so steadfastly for a new look that embodies our messages of excellence and forward progress when we can just stick to what we’re all thinking: “Tear that shit down and build back from the ground up”. You’re welcome, Transylvania.”

She concluded by unleashing a massive banner emblazoning the new logo and motto with big, bold letters:

“UNDER CONSTRUCTION SINCE 1780” 

To commence the ceremony, Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” boomed at a deafening levels, and the entire Admissions staff was bulldozed down.

-Burris Jenkins