‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Anti-Hazing Week Finally Over, Campus Rejoices

Today is one to celebrate for many Greek members campus wide, as hazing is now back to being both acceptable and honestly just a total blast. After a full week of being not only put off, but outright thwarted by badges, banners, and tables raising awareness for hazing around campus, upperclassmen are ready to wreck havoc. Welcome to Hell Week, pledges.

Fraternity and sorority members aren’t the only ones overjoyed to have anti-hazing week behind them, as a number of clubs and teams are also preparing to haze the living hell out of their new members. Rumors indicate that the Transylvania Environmental Action League anticipates blanketing the entire floor of their freshmen’s Forrer rooms with potting soil, the Chess Club gears up to inflict their fresh meat with excessive amounts of drinking, and Transy Bikes looks to enforce bike shorts all week for their new cyclists. This week is going to be rough for some Transy students, but new organization members fully understand that hazing is truly the best and arguably only way to build individuals of character.

Perhaps the worst and most brutal practice of all, the Rambler is forcing their new staff to write for them for the rest of the year.

– Burris Jenkins