“If It Works For UK, It’ll Surely Work For Us!” was announced as the official motto for Transylvania University this morning, as the past year of marketing and development has tirelessly striven to be a tiny mirror image of the big University down the street.
UK Director of Marketing Miguel Snarks, who recently caught on to the trend in Transy’s efforts had this to say:
“I really don’t understand, we’re talking 1,000 students and 21,000 students – it’s like comparing apples to some fruit 20x the size of an apple. How would it make any sense to make changes to the tight-knit community, tradition, and operation of Transylvania based on what kinda works for the University of Kentucky? Whatever, they’ll run themselves out of money in no time.”
In response, Transylvania impulsively threw large sums of cash towards:
- Renovating the ancient Cowgill building
- Another 2 tons of grass for the unavoidable dirt worn path in front of Haupt
- Constructing a massive, slightly larger 6-story library
- Not more professors
- Adding several more floors to the most underused building on campus
- Student Activities Board hosted laser tag // manned moon missions
But not to be forgotten, the Communications Office dumped $150,000 on a unique logo that truly captures the spirit of D3-trying-to-be-D1 athletics: 
“Apply now, because we’ll be bankrupt by Wednesday!” brightly announces a banner outside of the Admissions Office, hanging by one struggling thumbtack.
– Burris Jenkins
The Shambler 