Greek Weekend Blunder: Delta Sig’s “These Hands Don’t Haze,” Wins Best Instagram Picture Over Chi O’s Musical “Unlearn Fear and Hate

(First off, it should be established that Chi O’s video is not a musical, people are only calling it a musical because there is a fantastic music score which happens to accompany dialogue in the video and for all intents and purposes the video is not a musical.)

Greek Weekend has come and gone and despite the many riveting speeches and the many teary eyed Greeks accepting their awards, the final award for Best Instagram Picture was awarded to Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze.” The early favorite for Best Instagram Picture was Chi O’s musical entry, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” with 600 views and featured a crowd favorite song backing their Insta message. This musical came much to the joy and applause of the Transy community who seldom see any sort of musicals this day and age. Insta fans around the Transy community hailed this as a revitalization of the musical platform once copiously used in the old college Instagram days but now seldom seen today. Their counterpart, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” by Delta Sigma Phi, was heralded as an important message for fraternities as they seek to grow from their stereotypical ‘hazing’ surrounding while trying to work through the complexity of life to better themselves in a community that doesn’t understand them.

Austin Stephens, the Greek responsible for announcing the Best Instagram Picture winner, initially tried to perform a stand-up routine during the awards ceremony in an effort to stall the much-anticipated winner of the Best Instagram Picture category. It was only after jeers and taunts came at Austin whereupon he said, “Alright, well ya’know what, I’ll just read this card I got here in my hand and hope for the best.” After initially declaring Chi Omega’s Musical, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” the winner, Austin received the correct envelope declaring Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” the true Best Instagram Picture Winner. Even with Chi O’s members having already gave their speech, they pronounced Delta Sig the true winners of the Best Instagram Picture category and handed over their trophies.

Cheers rang out from the crowd as they realized the category was won by Delta Sig. Delta Sig soon ran onstage trampled all the Chi O’s and Mr. Stephens, and then proceeded to sacrifice their trophies to summon the Sphinx – an ancient symbol of their fraternity. Ex-president Erik Mudrak said, “Yeah, everything we do, we do with the aims of appeasing this great beast.” If one thing is for certain, it is that the Sphinx may go to sleep at night knowing that Delta Sig is the best.

 

• Dawn Holterhumph

‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Greek Awards: A Look At The Sorority Nominees

The friendly and endearing competition between Transy’s sororities is no more neighborly than on bid day and Greek week events, so to set apart our goodhearted nominees we’re taking a closer look at our four chapters:  

Phi Mu:

• Broke Guinness World Record for fastest hand quatrefoil with 0.075ms
• Only 3 attendees of this year’s Cupcake Wars left with Diabetes
• Opening crafting and cooler-painting sweatshop next fall
• Has gone record 2 hours without saying “YAAAS”

Tri Delta:

• 99.9962% blonde
• Opened community hospital for glitter suffocation following fall recruitment
• Most Likely To Identify With a Florida Georgia Line song
• Corporate Sponsorship w/ LL Bean

Chi Omega:

• Voted Scariest Sorority of 2015
• Celebrating Spiritual Founder Lilly Pulitzer this November
• Reportedly building new chapter house with Campus Sing cans
• Spent collective $300,000 on big-little reveal gifts
• Nearly successful year of convincing Panhel that they aren’t Shane McKee’s favorite

AOII:

• Color is cardinal red
• Founded at Transy in 1987
• Mascot is a panda
• 190 chapters nationally
• Jokes taken this year: zero

 

– Burris Jenkins

 

The 12 Best Things About Joining A Fraternity

Recruitment is finally over, so now that we can’t totally ruin everything, The Shambler is back.

You may not have heard, but Transylvania is 80% Greek (as sources report) so there’s a good chance that you ran out to a fraternity this past weekend. And we couldn’t be more thrilled. Now that you are officially the coolest person to ever live, here are the 10 dopest things about pledging that frat:

1) Lifelong Bonds

The guys that you ran out to, and with, will become some of your closest friends; of whom you will share memories, growth, and late night Qdoba runs.

2) Leadership Opportunities

There are million ways to lead within your organization, from committees to elected positions. It might seem crazy right now, but in a few years you could become the president of your entire chapter! Because apparently just about anyone can become president. 

3) Alumni Connections

Who knows where your Greek organization will take you, and who you’ll meet! Bill Engvall is a KA, the co-creator of the Wild Thornberry’s is a Sig, Jim Parsons is a Pike, and Paul Newman of acting & salad dressing fame is a Phi Tau! Neat!

4) Dues!

Fraternity men can barely contain their excitement when they write out a check for $400 to their friendly treasurer every semester! This whole “buying your friends” deal never felt so damn good.

5) Mandatory Service Hours

Your pure philanthropic heart completes like 6-ish service hours a semester and you take great pride in that one time that you helped at a Habitat for Humanity build, even if you accidentally tore the entire house down while doing menial landscaping.

6) Parties

Every weekend just got weirder

7) You Immediately Get All Of The Ladies

8) Parking ANYWHERE

No matter if the space says handicap, Joe Bologna’s customers only, or reserved for the President, you’re in a frat now so YOU make the rules.

9) Bill Nye Will Finally Talk To You Again

10) The Billy Idol’s ‘Rebel Yell’ Plays Whenever You Enter A Room

11) You Can Turn Into A Bear On Command

12) You Can Do Whatever You Want

As a fraternity man, you’re entitled to do whatever the you damn well please! Awesome!

– Burris Jenkins