BREAKING:Transylvania Dean Colluding With Centre Admissions Ambassadors

After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.

This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.

Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”

“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.

When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.

In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.

-Reuben Cave

Transylvania to Give Up Access to TUWIFI for Lent

 

The recent Rambler ban from Transy press conferences has hindered the student community from knowing about this policy. However, the Shambler will remain committed to bringing students coverage of the news and for generations to come.

As Lent approaches and numerous college students across the U.S. pledge to give up meat in an effort to become a vegetarian so they might have another cool talking point at the next party, Transylvania University is proposing to ban access to the student wifi ‘TUWIFI’ as an effort to save on budgeting costs for future scholarships. This new Lent ban will prohibit access for 40 days and supposedly save the university millions over the coming weeks.

When questioned about the new policy, a spokesman for the university said, “We didn’t expect this much backlash. If we take away the wifi then most of the students will quit getting cynical emails from Dr. Dugi, they won’t have to turn in papers online, and they can forget about online readings. Plus, the amount of money we spend on wifi is ludicrous, it could easily be given to a prospective student on the edge of deciding between Centre and Transy.”

Students have been expressing a massive distaste for the proposed new policy. During the what is now being deemed as the Back-Circle Protests, one female student was quoted as saying, “My friend is going to a fraternity function this weekend, how am I supposed to tell her she’s hashtag cute with a smiling face with heart-eyes?” During the Protests, students started yelling, “We pay 40k, bring back the wifi-today.”

Local student Dane Ritter has enthusiastically supported this new policy by going to Facebook and posting, “Y’all, this is exactly what we need! We lose so much of our lives being online when the real meaningful interactions are face to face with other individuals. For darn’s sake, this is what college is about!” Another student, Hunter Overstreet, said, “Yeah, I’m from Boyle County and I’d give a little extra so someone doesn’t have to go to Centre.”

Local students are decrying the new 40 day lent travel ban onto the internet and many more are waiting to see if the lent program will work in bringing students to a Transylvania Home.

• Dawn Holterhumph

 

Greek Weekend Blunder: Delta Sig’s “These Hands Don’t Haze,” Wins Best Instagram Picture Over Chi O’s Musical “Unlearn Fear and Hate

(First off, it should be established that Chi O’s video is not a musical, people are only calling it a musical because there is a fantastic music score which happens to accompany dialogue in the video and for all intents and purposes the video is not a musical.)

Greek Weekend has come and gone and despite the many riveting speeches and the many teary eyed Greeks accepting their awards, the final award for Best Instagram Picture was awarded to Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze.” The early favorite for Best Instagram Picture was Chi O’s musical entry, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” with 600 views and featured a crowd favorite song backing their Insta message. This musical came much to the joy and applause of the Transy community who seldom see any sort of musicals this day and age. Insta fans around the Transy community hailed this as a revitalization of the musical platform once copiously used in the old college Instagram days but now seldom seen today. Their counterpart, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” by Delta Sigma Phi, was heralded as an important message for fraternities as they seek to grow from their stereotypical ‘hazing’ surrounding while trying to work through the complexity of life to better themselves in a community that doesn’t understand them.

Austin Stephens, the Greek responsible for announcing the Best Instagram Picture winner, initially tried to perform a stand-up routine during the awards ceremony in an effort to stall the much-anticipated winner of the Best Instagram Picture category. It was only after jeers and taunts came at Austin whereupon he said, “Alright, well ya’know what, I’ll just read this card I got here in my hand and hope for the best.” After initially declaring Chi Omega’s Musical, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” the winner, Austin received the correct envelope declaring Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” the true Best Instagram Picture Winner. Even with Chi O’s members having already gave their speech, they pronounced Delta Sig the true winners of the Best Instagram Picture category and handed over their trophies.

Cheers rang out from the crowd as they realized the category was won by Delta Sig. Delta Sig soon ran onstage trampled all the Chi O’s and Mr. Stephens, and then proceeded to sacrifice their trophies to summon the Sphinx – an ancient symbol of their fraternity. Ex-president Erik Mudrak said, “Yeah, everything we do, we do with the aims of appeasing this great beast.” If one thing is for certain, it is that the Sphinx may go to sleep at night knowing that Delta Sig is the best.

 

• Dawn Holterhumph

‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Snowfall Causes Students To Suddenly Care About Their Professors’ Safety

Lexington–

Early Sunday evening, as the sun began to set over Lexington, gray clouds moved in and a small amount of snow sprinkled down from above. Within an hour, the flurries became a steady stream, and by 10:00 that night, several inches had already accumulated on the ground. Recognizing the potentially hazardous road conditions, Mayor Jim Gray advised Lexington residents to avoid driving if possible.

Even with all of this, the forecast for Monday looked to be snowless and warm enough to melt the accumulation from the night before. By all accounts, road conditions were expected to return to normal in time for the morning commute on the following day.

However, Transylvania students were not so easily convinced. Fearing for the safety of their professors who commute from various locations, some coming all the way from Danville, the students took to social media to express their concerns.

“How could we endanger our professors like this?” one student asked, posting a picture of a snow covered road. “I mean, I would absolutely never want to miss class, but I would also never want my professors to risk traversing these tundra-like conditions for me.”

Clark Murray, a senior, was similarly apprehensive. “I mean, without class, I’ll probably just cry a lot first. I’m very emotionally attached to my classes. Then I’ll probably just spend the rest of the day studying anyway, but at least Dr. Jones won’t have to strap on his snowshoes and plod his way to campus. I’ve also heard that the snowstorm attracted some polar bears.”

Regardless, the hundreds of posts on Twitter and Facebook make one thing clear: when it comes to potential snow days, Transylvania students would obviously prefer to have class, but aren’t willing to risk their professor’s safety.

Some students have even proposed taking the day off for rain and the subsequent wet roads. Just for the professors.
–Reuben Cave

Anti-Hazing Week Finally Over, Campus Rejoices

Today is one to celebrate for many Greek members campus wide, as hazing is now back to being both acceptable and honestly just a total blast. After a full week of being not only put off, but outright thwarted by badges, banners, and tables raising awareness for hazing around campus, upperclassmen are ready to wreck havoc. Welcome to Hell Week, pledges.

Fraternity and sorority members aren’t the only ones overjoyed to have anti-hazing week behind them, as a number of clubs and teams are also preparing to haze the living hell out of their new members. Rumors indicate that the Transylvania Environmental Action League anticipates blanketing the entire floor of their freshmen’s Forrer rooms with potting soil, the Chess Club gears up to inflict their fresh meat with excessive amounts of drinking, and Transy Bikes looks to enforce bike shorts all week for their new cyclists. This week is going to be rough for some Transy students, but new organization members fully understand that hazing is truly the best and arguably only way to build individuals of character.

Perhaps the worst and most brutal practice of all, the Rambler is forcing their new staff to write for them for the rest of the year.

– Burris Jenkins