‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Greek Awards: A Look At The Sorority Nominees

The friendly and endearing competition between Transy’s sororities is no more neighborly than on bid day and Greek week events, so to set apart our goodhearted nominees we’re taking a closer look at our four chapters:  

Phi Mu:

• Broke Guinness World Record for fastest hand quatrefoil with 0.075ms
• Only 3 attendees of this year’s Cupcake Wars left with Diabetes
• Opening crafting and cooler-painting sweatshop next fall
• Has gone record 2 hours without saying “YAAAS”

Tri Delta:

• 99.9962% blonde
• Opened community hospital for glitter suffocation following fall recruitment
• Most Likely To Identify With a Florida Georgia Line song
• Corporate Sponsorship w/ LL Bean

Chi Omega:

• Voted Scariest Sorority of 2015
• Celebrating Spiritual Founder Lilly Pulitzer this November
• Reportedly building new chapter house with Campus Sing cans
• Spent collective $300,000 on big-little reveal gifts
• Nearly successful year of convincing Panhel that they aren’t Shane McKee’s favorite

AOII:

• Color is cardinal red
• Founded at Transy in 1987
• Mascot is a panda
• 190 chapters nationally
• Jokes taken this year: zero

 

– Burris Jenkins

 

Greek Awards: A Look At The Fraternity Nominees

Winter 2016 is off to a great start for Transy’s Greek men, as miraculously not a single chapter is on social probation. Hype is reaching fever pitch for the 2016 Greek Awards, so let’s take a look at our fraternity nominees in depth before the big day:

Phi Kappa Tau:

• Held first ever Soccer Ball formal
• 55% brahs / 45% bruhs
• Annual kielbasa sausage-eating contest was major success
• Negotiating philanthropic sponsorship with Natural Light
• Yearly Canada trips fulfill passion for studying abroad
• Adding final touches to bronze statue of Nash Laungani

Pi Kappa Alpha:

• 125 years of dark tradition at Transylvania
• Actually invincible
• Quadrupled membership this year
• Re-celebrating first year anniversary of being on campus
• One brother holds 7 offices
• Alumni promising pledge class of 2016 new Lexus for every member

Delta Sigma Phi:

• Excitedly checking Tnet for grades is only brotherhood event
• 15 heteronormative campus sing wins in a row
• 56% nerds, 29% gay, 18% both
• Made Taylor Swift famous
• Introduced resume building to ritual this year
• Last Sig function had record four girls in attendance

Kappa Alpha Order:

• Coolest officer titles
• An order, not a fraternity
• Promoting gluten-free wheat, barley, and alfalfa diet
• 97.6% off-campus
• Another year carefully avoiding Civil War spoilers
• Still going to be more successful than you

– Burris Jenkins