Transy Administration: “We’re Just Doing Whatever The Hell UK Does Now”

“If It Works For UK, It’ll Surely Work For Us!” was announced as the official motto for Transylvania University this morning, as the past year of marketing and development has tirelessly striven to be a tiny mirror image of the big University down the street.

UK Director of Marketing Miguel Snarks, who recently caught on to the trend in Transy’s efforts had this to say:

“I really don’t understand, we’re talking 1,000 students and 21,000 students – it’s like comparing apples to some fruit 20x the size of an apple. How would it make any sense to make changes to the tight-knit community, tradition, and operation of Transylvania based on what kinda works for the University of Kentucky? Whatever, they’ll run themselves out of money in no time.”

In response, Transylvania impulsively threw large sums of cash towards:

• Renovating the ancient Cowgill building
• Another 2 tons of grass for the unavoidable dirt worn path in front of Haupt
• Constructing a massive, slightly larger 6-story library
• Not more professors
• Adding several more floors to the most underused building on campus
• Student Activities Board hosted laser tag // manned moon missions

But not to be forgotten, the Communications Office dumped $150,000 on a unique logo that truly captures the spirit of D3-trying-to-be-D1 athletics: 

“Apply now, because we’ll be bankrupt by Wednesday!” brightly announces a banner outside of the Admissions Office, hanging by one struggling thumbtack.

– Burris Jenkins

 

 

Transy to Start Polo Team to Attract Much Needed White Male Demographic

Lexington, KY. – In a recent emergency press conference, Transylvania Athletic Director Holly Sheilley announced that the school will start a polo team to increase the number of wealthy white males in the student population, stating “we had hoped that the recent addition of a lacrosse team would allow us to reach the waspy elitism that you find at the nation’s top institutions, but it just hasn’t had the desired effect.”

A major theme of the press conference was the concern that recent press would drive away Transylvania’s foundational demographic. Said Sheilley “In a perfect world I’d be announcing the start of a sailing team right now, but due to geography we’ve had to settle for the next best thing.”

The administration hopes that the polo team will give rise to associated organizations on campus such as a Cuff-Link Collecting Club, Prenuptial Agreement prep courses, or a Most Dangerous Game Hunting Society.

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

Students Riot as Softball Team Wins Double Header

LEXINGTON, KY – The Department of Public Safety was forced to declare the Bourbon Street area a state of emergency saturday evening as students took to the street to celebrate the victory of the Softball team over conference rival Bluffton. The Pioneers took home two wins against the Beavers in a double header. In Lexington, Transy students celebrated in big fashion.

“I was so overcome with emotion,” One student recalls of the night, “I just had to go outside and scream and yell and flip things over. I’ve believed in this team from the very start, and knew they could pull it off. Go Pios!”

It was not all fun and games on Bourbon Street however, as DPS was called to extinguish fires started by students. The ashes of at least 2 pillows and an ottoman could be found in the road on Sunday morning.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” The DPS Chief said, “It just seems so ridiculous to riot over sporting events. I guess nothing gets sports fans excited like womens’ softball.”

-Horace Holley

Transy Excited to Announce Full-Contact Broadway Crossing as Newest Division III Sport

Lexington- In a press release earlier today, the Director of Transylvania athletics informed the public of a new development for the Pioneers. The school is now gearing up to add its twenty-seventh Division III sports team for the coming fall semester, Full-Contact Broadway Crossing.

This comes as a surprise to many who expected a competitive Back Caf Waffle-Making team. Despite this apparent disappointment, many Transylvania students are already excited about the possibilities associated with the new team.

“Yeah, I’m pretty pumped about this,” said Mason Lilly, a junior, “although I’m not really sure if the full-contact refers to the other students or the cars. I’ll probably just run into them both though, to be sure”.

Many of the athletes are expected to come from current students, who have plenty of experience with the sport on an amateur level. “I mean, we’ve all been running into rush hour traffic since we’ve been here, it’s basically like we’ve been practicing for this,” said Lilly.

The school has also begun recruiting athletes for the newly formed team, pulling from specific urban areas. “We look for areas that have both heavy traffic and indifferent drivers,” said the director “They’re both pretty important factors for the sport”.

The fall semester will see many changes, but none are as exciting for the students as the introduction of this new sport. Dr. Ben Hawkins is expected to coach the team, having crossed Broadway upwards of six times.

-Reuben Cave