12 Mascot Ideas That Also Make No Sense

Not to be outdone by UK’s recent blunderous athletics logo, Transy is taking a confusing crack at the mascot game. Luckily our two options don’t resemble bird intercourse, but many Pioneers (at least for now that’s what we’re called) are wondering “why?” Here are some other mascot ideas that make a little more sense.

1. Transylvania Gender-Neutral, Trigger-Safe Vampires
2. University of Louisville Ladies of the Night
3. Transylvania Hyper Homosexual Bats
4. Centre Robotic Vanilla Nether-Fiends
5. The University of Kentucky Birdsex
6. Alpha Omicron Pi Pandas
7. Harvard Fierce Upper Class White Males
8. Massachusetts Institute of Technology Giant Freaking Nerds
9. Transylvania Wowing Doges
10. University of Alabama Crushing Confederates
11. Beijing Institute of Technology Suffocating Smog
12. Transylvania Prancin’ Ponies

Why? Would it not make more sense to stick to the humor and unique mark of Transylvania’s vampire spin? We want to see a bat  as our mascot, and we’re not alone. 
— Burris Jenkins

 

7 August Term Secrets First Years Can’t Live Without

1. Use Your Backpack to Carry Alcohol

It’s the first Saturday night of August Term and you’ve invited some girls to your room that you awkwardly sat next to at lunch. You’ve called your cousin’s friend who is 21 and have a 30 pack of Natty Lite and a 6 pack of Redd’s Apple Ale on the way. The only problem is, your room is next to the RA’s, and he’s got his door open. So you need a discreet way to get the drinks back to your dorm. Look no further than your trusty backpack. The average JanSport backpack can hold 20 beers, so between you and your roommate, you should have no problem hauling that cargo back upstairs. Plus, you will impress your RA by looking extra studious on a Saturday night. It’s a classic win-win.

2. The Soft Serve Machine is Endless

College is a wonderful place full of endless possibilities. Perhaps the greatest of these isn’t the possibility of self-discovery or the introduction of lifelong friends, but instead the sweet reality of endless soft serve ice cream. Tucked in the corner of Transy’s Cafeteria is a beautiful machine that pumps out rivers of beautiful, delicious, and infinite soft serve. On warm August days, it is not unusual to see freshmen lining up to do soft serve stands on the machine. The Freshman Fifteen is coming, so you might as well do it right.

3. For Extra Study Privacy, Take an ACE Room for Yourself

The basement of the library offers plenty of alternatives to the classic wooden desk for the diligent student. Known as the ACE Center (the full name is unknown), the basement offers plenty of large tables to really spread out and breathe. We especially recommend the private rooms to truly experience an isolated and focused environment. Don’t worry about taking an entire room to yourself, the Library officially recognizes the D.I.B.S system of reserving study spaces.

4. Don’t Talk about Clay and Davis

You weren’t there. You don’t know. You never experienced the cooling sensation of the shower flooding around your feet. You can’t reminisce on the soothing scent of cigarettes and asbestos. You never evacuated because of a fire alarm 4 times in a single weekend. There are certain things in life that truly defy description, and Clay and Davis Halls are two of them. So, freshmen, don’t talk about them. Don’t even say their names.

5. Use a Coonskin Cap Instead of a Sock on the Door

So, the backpack trick worked and things went well with the girl from the Caf. Your roommate stumbled out to get Tolly Ho, and you’re looking for a little privacy. The classic college move would be to hang a sock on the doorknob to thwart would-be interrupters. At an institute like Transy, we find that crass and cliche. So instead, we recommend you use a coonskins cap to signal all neighbors that things are getting funky in your room.

6. Don’t Drink in Your Dorm Without Your Door Open and Fans On

Before you crack open your first ice cold PBR, remember to get a breeze going by opening all of your windows and turning on fans. It is a well known fact that a majority of drinking citations occur as a result of the RA’s ability to smell alcohol from up to 100 feet away. To avoid this, make sure you drink with your door and windows open, and fans blowing air counter-clockwise around the room. Not clockwise. Never clockwise.

7. Nap in the Stacks

Up too late working on that 4 page paper due just two weeks from now? Need a quick nap before getting a headstart on the 30 pages of reading due the day after tomorrow? There is no quieter, less disturbed area of campus than the Library stacks. Curl up with a couple of books as pillows and a newspaper or two as a blanket, and you’re set for a couple of hours. Be careful though, rumors have it students have gotten lost in the stacks, never to be seen again.

Stay tuned to The Shambler for more August Term guides, tips and tricks. Until then, keep your lanyard close and your ping pong hand strong.

-Horace Holley

6 Awful Things Happening in Clay & Davis Right Now

Wow Davis, you really let yourself go!

The all-out obliteration of the dormitories as old as your freakin’ dad are only a month away, and in the final voyage of ye ol’ Clay & Davis everything has gone to shit. Seemingly every day, a new and unbearable thing is added upon the heap of straight up terrible conditions in the ruins of the residence halls. One 2nd Clay resident had to add “It’s bad, like Hazelrigg bad” of the current living conditions.

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There are at least 73 outrageous things going down in Clay & Davis as we speak, so we narrowed it down to the 6 most severe issues:

1) It’s one big oven

Do your homework at a toasty 150F

2) Shower water imported directly from Antarctica

3) Mysterious sulfuric smells

4) The walls ooze green slime

But wait, they always do that

5) There is a wild puma in room 115

6) Maintenance accidentally sawed your bed in half while trying to fix the A/C

What’s next? Swarms of bees? Reincarnation of Josef Stalin? Let’s hope to building keeps standing for the rest of May term.

11 Things Almost As Repulsive As Centre

Every U of L needs its UK, Mega Blocks its Legos, and Rambler its Shambler. Pitting two seemingly similar things against each other has gone on for ages, where one is just objectively better for one reason or another.

 Take Eagleton, Indiana- a clean and developed town where everything is pristine and perfect. Though located on a hot spring, and home to a cupcake factory that wafts an aroma of vanilla throughout the town, it still sucks. Why? Because everyone there is an arrogant pinhead, that’s why. Now compare places like uppity Danville Eagleton with towns like Pawnee, where people don’t wear ascots and Segway to their gazebo, where things aren’t 100% perfect, but the character and genuine personality of the town more than makes up for it. Eagleton had the upper hand for a while, but ultimately fell to Pawnee, because Pawnee was doing pretty damn well all along.

Centre is a spitting image of of Eagleton, mostly because it just plain sucks. It is “the land of snobby jerks” and a place where literally no one can spell. There are but two pastimes at Centre: staring at perfectly manicured lawns, and going to Wal-Mart. Rumor has it that Owen Williams actually made that massive $250,000,000 donation to Centre as one big April Fools’ prank. All in all, Centre is just repulsive. 

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 Did Voldemort graduate from Centre in 1957? Who’s to tell. Here are 11 things nearly as vile and undesirable as the Danville liberal arts college:

1) The vegetarian section in the Caf

2) Every square inch of Clay:

3) That girl with the Crocs on your hall:

4) The ramen residue that has been on that spoon since November:

5) People who brave the showers barefoot:

6) Any fraternity chapter room:

7) Getting kicked in the face by Spiderman:

8) Your roommate’s internet history:

9) Making out with Steve Buscemi:

10) Buttered popcorn flavored jellybeans:

11) The Clayvis ice machine:

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– Burris Jenkins

Transy Releases Updated May Term Course Offerings

LEXINGTON, KY. – In a recent press release, the registrar’s office announced multiple last minute course offerings for this coming May Term. The Shambler has considered these recent offerings for their academic merit and adherence to the values of the liberal arts. Our recommendations are as follows:

PS-2078-01 The Politics of Corruption: The Underwood Problem, Dr. Cairo
A case study of the world of political corruption through the life and crimes of Frank and Claire Underwood. This class is very discussion heavy, and requires a prerequisite Netflix account. It is sure to leave you considering your world much more carefully and suspicious of all authority figures around you.

PHIL-1001-01 Structuring Dreamspace and Meditation Practicum, Dr. Manning
An exploration into the inner mind, this class will use naps to interpret the significance of dreams. The class will meet in Back Circle every morning, or afternoon, or whenever you want really. Or don’t show up. It’s all good.

IDS-4005-01 Medieval Conquest and Siege, Dr. Russell
This class will seek to understand the strategies and tactics of medieval warfare through live action roleplaying. Students will be expecting to construct their own armor and weapons, as well as a backstory and ancestry for own noble knight. They will then wage total war on each other until an excessive number of booboos or scraped knees is reached.

WRC-2054-06 Scholastic Interpretations of Summer Hits of the Late 1990’s, Prof. Deaton
A consideration of the most foundational period in American pop culture. This class will let the good times roll, kick back with a couple of Capri Suns, and jam out with a carefully structured Socratic discussion of the various implications of the summer hits of the 2000’s. Prerequisites include frosted tips, puka shell necklaces, and denim jackets.

-Horace Holley

10 Things That You’ll Actually Do On Reading Day

Study? Yeah, right.
You haven’t honestly been productive all semester, so why start now?

Never mind that 15-pager that you literally just started, or those 5 chapters of Biology that you need to actually read,  here’s what you’ll really be up to on reading day:

1) Accidentally sit in the Caf for like 2 hours:

2) Fall asleep the second you open your Western Traditions book:

3) Throw a bomb-ass rager in Raf’s Tomb (Circa 1996):

4) Drop every single binder and paper from the semester while hurrying across Broadway:

5) Get caught talking shit about Fast 7 in Jazzman’s by Vin Diesel

6) Decimate the British Coast with Dean LoMonaco’s goat, Jonas

7) Get involved in a land war with Asia:

8) Mysteriously switch bodies with your mom as a lesson:

9) Single-handedly topple the government of Ecuador:

10) Make it through this list without TUWIFI disconnecting

Good luck out there.

-Burris Jenkins

Introducing the Shambler’s Endorsements for SGA Elections, 2015

Lexington-

Though Transy’s campus has been struck with a nasty combo of rolling wi-fi and AC outages that one analyst described as “literally worse than the bubonic plague and the hypothetical eruption of the Yellowstone Super Volcano combined”, the Shambler worked through the night to publish its election endorsements.

It is the sincere hope of this publication that the endorsements and information presented here will help the student body elect the most effective Student Government possible.

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President: Owen Williams

The dark horse candidate of the elections, preliminary polls showed that most students didn’t even realize that Williams was running for the position. However, word has recently begun to spread, and he has recently gained much traction among the students. When asked to comment on the recent wi-fi crisis, Williams had this to say: “I am very rich. I plan on throwing, literally throwing, wads of cash at the server system until it starts functioning. Or I’ll just fire it and bring on a new server”. That sounds like a plan to us.

Overall, Williams is the natural choice. After all, he has a history of being extremely successful in Presidential positions, becoming the easy favorite of those around him. The Shambler assures the students of Transy that at least one of our reporters received like, at least an A- in Intro to Politics, so it is safe to trust our opinion. If that’s not enough, our Dads say Williams is the clear choice for the office. You think you know more than our dads?

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Vice President: the Vengeful Ghost of Constantine Rafinesque

As everyone is aware, many locations on Transylvania’s campus are named after this important professor from the early 1800s. An important biologist, Rafinesque is widely known for placing a curse on Transylvania after being exiled from the school. After years of torment, his body was moved to a tomb beneath Old Morrison to break the curse, but this move only opened up the door for more problems.

Rafinesque’s ghost has since been haunting the campus for years. Many atrocities are attributed to this rage-filled spirit, and he is currently suspect in the great internet outage of 2015, an ongoing issue.

However, giving the ghost responsibilities has proven to reduce the number of paranormal attacks he is able to conduct. It is for this reason that Rafinesque was originally hired as the Shambler’s own on-staff reporter. Make him the Vice-President of SGA and he won’t haunt anyone. Probably.

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Chief of Staff: Drew Preston

When considering the position of Chief of Staff, only the candidates who bring an extensive background of political experience to the table can make the cut. That is why sophomore Drew Preston is the Shambler’s choice for this year’s election. Preston not only has the type of deep political experience that can only come from being a second-year undergrad student, but also knows how to address the difficult issues of diversity that the campus has been facing lately.

From his Hazelrigg room, Drew promises to tackle the tough issues, saying “I know how to fix things for you people, I promise”.

The Shambler could not get in touch with Preston, most likely because he was busy opening fan mail.

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Chief of Finance: Montez

Montez is the clear choice for Chief of Finance. When he’s not making flatbreads, he’s making mad cash. He no longer has “money problems”, and with him handling TUSGA’s finances, neither will the students.

Enough said.

-Reuben Cave

6 Things That Will Go Wrong When You Register For Classes

It’s that time of year again, Transy class registration. Right in the middle of stressing out about your current classes, nothing calms your nerves like adding 4 more courses on top your nice little stress-mountain. Chances are that you wound up dead last in the scheduling slot for your class, so to be honest, you’re better off removing yourself from your 17 wait lists, going out in Back Circle, and laying in the volleyball court sand for a few hours.

It’s not if something goes wrong, it’s when something goes wrong during your 1:25pm time slot on the 31st as you scramble to click through Tnet as class starts. We pretty much guarantee that each of things will happen to you: 

1) Bees!

2) NBC’s Brian Williams will walk into Jazzman’s with a crowbar and smash your Macbook to pieces

3) That class you need in order to graduate will instantly be filled beyond capacity by the cast of Full House

4) A peregrin falcon will swoop from the sky and shit all over your course pass

5) You’ll suddenly wake up in a corn field in Nebraska wearing a bolo tie, a Celine Dion t-shirt, and camo crocs.

6) TUWIFI won’t work. 

– Burris Jenkins

Transy Tech: 10 Things More Consistent Than TUWIFI

As we hurriedly fired up our computers and connected to Transylvania’s problematic wireless fidelity signal, we at the Shambler were miraculously able to send out this article before we lost connection to the internet. If you’re reading this, then congrats! But hurry because your connection probably won’t exist 25 seconds from now. Or more likely, RIP your data bill, we send our best.

In any case, here are ten of the countless things more likely to happen than TUWIFI to load a page:

1) That you’ll laugh at an ImprompTU joke:

2) A pre-med student sticking with their major:

3) Gary Deaton actually having class:

4) A typo in a Rambler headline:

5) The Caf ice cream actually being scoopable:

6) The auto-flush toilet going off while you’re still on it:

7) Construction starting promptly at 7:00 am:

8) The chances of getting princess parking in Back Circle:

9) That a humanities major has ever been in BSC:

10) Literally anything. Like we’re shocked that this article even loaded for you. 

– Burris Jenkins

Official 2015 Greek Awards Predictions

LEXINGTON, KY –

Monday evening, the Greek Community will be celebrating a year of wearing shapes on their chest and yelling loudly with the 2015 Greek Awards. Here at the Shambler, we have been observing the trends on campus the last 12 months and have compiled our list of predictions for the various awards. We now present a selection of our predictions:

Greek Man of the Year – Sophocles

It should be unsurprising at this point that our prediction for Greek Man of the Year is Sophocles. The ancient Greek playwright has won the award for the last 2,500 years, and continues to influence modern theatre and drama. We recently caught up with Sophocles in Elysium for a comment on his unprecedented streak.

“You know, the excitement really kind of wore off after award number 750 or 800.” The poet said, enjoying a pina colada, “I just wish most people would think of me for something other than Oedipus. That was really a darker time in my life, and I don’t really like it defining me.”

Plato could be seen sulking behind a nearby tree.

Emerging Greek Leader– Alexander of Macedon

It is hard to imagine anyone taking Alex’s place for emerging Greek leader. After being taught by Aristotle, Alex looked East and started walking, taking everything in his way. If there is a con against him, it would be his lack of creativity. Alexander had a habit of naming his cities, rather predictably, Alexandria. Other than that, you could say he is pretty…great.

“Yeah, I guess it would be pretty cool to win,” he said in a recent interview, “but there’s a lot of good competition out there and I would be happy for whoever takes home the trophy.” Before he could comment further, Alex put his sunglasses on, flipped his hair, and rode into the sunset.

Greek Chapter of the Year – The Allegory of the Cave

Plato’s Allegory of the Cave is our favorite for Greek Chapter of the Year. The chapter out of The Republic has been an influence on philosophy for years, and an invaluable tool for amatuer film critics to prove that they understand The Matrix. It’s hard to imagine Plato not leaving with this award, but it will likely do little to satisfy after losing to Sophocles for the 2503rd year in a row in the coveted Greek Man of the Year.

Be sure to check back with The Shambler for more updates on Greek Awards!

-Horace Holley