Sodexo No Longer Accepting Bitcoins in the Caf

Whether you are looking for a grilled cheese or a fresh never frozen cheeseburger, the Caf has typically been very accommodating to diet restrictions and taste preferences. Among those accommodations have been payment plans. Sodexo offers many different combinations of meal swipes and dining dollars. For those not on meal plans, cash and credit have been traditional options. A survey of Sodexo cashiers in the past week has shown that they have successfully accepted Venmo, Cash App, Checks, Foreign Currency, UK Plus Accounts like most of Lexington, and Bitcoins as valid forms of payment.

“Figuring out how to make the Crimson Cash work instead of a normal meal swipe has been the easiest of the non-traditional payment methods,” reported an anonymous Late Night Caf employee.

However, the Shambler has learned of plans to eliminate Bitcoins from the long list of accepted payments methods.

Interim Sodexo General Manager, Mary Harvey, was asked about the new changes to Caf payment systems. “A lot of factors came into play with this decision. We realized that the Bitcoin conversion rate fluctuated too much day to day for the currency to be reasonable.” Meal swipes also did not match prices either. “One day Bitcoin swipes would equal $3, other days they would equal $1. Both conversions were too much value per swipe. We try to keep the value of a swipe to around 24 cents.”

No comment has been made about Bitcoins in the Raf. The Shambler has tried to discuss this matter with Raf representatives, but have not been able to find a time when the Raf was open.

Geopolitical Change In Cafeteria Leads To New Dark Age

The back of the Forrer Dining hall, or the Caf though plentiful in meetings between administrators and the favorite spot of Dark Arts Professor Don Dugi, is infamous for its lack of Wi-Fi, lighting, and quality social interactions. Yet at the same time it has existed in a harmonious balance with the more popular front of the Caf as the Yin to its Yang, the sun to its moon. 

Thanks to a recent decision by Sodexo, this balance has been disrupted and as a result the geopolitics of the once united ‘Caf’ have been disrupted forever. Back Caf’s only reliable export, the cereal and milk we all know we can fall back on when the Caf just doesn’t try, have been moved next to the soda machine in Front Caf. The spot where the cereal and milk once were is now occupied by the Gluten-Free foods section.

Shambler writers recently interviewed Latin American History Professor Greg Bocketti  to voice his concerns on the situation:

“You see this exact situation in resource-driven economies. It creates vulnerability and instability for decades upon decades to come. This is going in the Rambler, right?”

Our top Political Analysts, in tandem with Bocketti’s conceptualization of the situation predict that the Gluten-Free Food and Cereal Swap will keep front and back Caf from engaging in any sort of economic exchange in the near or distant future. Assassinations, coups, and bankruptcy are incredibly likely for whatever new regime comes to power in back caf. Thanks to the Gluten-Free section a hipster culture is likely to flourish in back caf. While Back Caf endures this period of tribulation, Front Caf will likely prosper thanks to the additions of milk and cereal and attract even more people; thus creating the single greatest instance of human migration since India and Pakistan split. The dichotomy of wealth between Front and Back Caf will be so large that Donald Trump will be envious that he wasn’t responsible for it.

Forrer Dining Hall’s future is uncertain. All we know is that the geopolitics of the Caf have been unalterably changed.

Front-Caf goers however have reacted fairly positively to the situation however. “Yeah, I don’t know why but I can’t help thinking that our way of life over here is just superior to that of Back Caf. Whenever I go to Front Caf I have these weird visions of Confederate Flags if I look at the 1st floor Forrer rooms that overlook the Caf and that just reminds me that sometimes it’s okay to split, ya know?”

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

Student Discovers Secret Evil in Cru Pancakes

Lexington–

For several years, the on-campus religious organization known as Cru has been providing students with pancakes as part of a student outreach and involvement program. Members of Cru can often be heard reminding students to come to “midnight pancakes”, which is usually held on a single Saturday each month. The event always has high attendance, drawing in students from various social circles, and from various places on campus. All in all, Midnight Pancakes is an event with a great turnout and an equally great purpose. Or so it seems.

Recently, a student made a dark discovery. One night, having nothing better to do, Senior Clark Murray decided that he was going to try something new; rather than eating his pancakes, he decided to see what they sounded like when played on a record player. “Well, I figured that everyone always eats the pancakes, but I thought that probably no one had ever tried listening to them”, said Murray.

And he was right.

“Well, when I played it the normal way, there was this terrible noise. The sound of the needle just ripping through the pancake was not pleasant when played over speakers, let me tell you”, he said plainly. However, what he discovered next would be far, far worse.

“I decided after that to play it backwards. I mean, I’m a man of science, and I felt that I had to at least see what the reverse sounded like. I had already come so far”, Murray said. So he switched the record player so that it would play backwards, and loaded up another pancake.

The sound that played over the speakers was different this time, in a sinister yet noticeable way. “Well, it was still primarily the sound of the needle just shredding the pancake,” said Murray “but underneath that sound, I unmistakably heard a voice say the word “doom”‘. Horrified, Murray continued to listen to the noise, noting a least 35 instances of what sounded like dark omens.

Since Murray made the discovery, an investigation has begun into the exact pancake-making process that Cru employs. Only time will tell if the delicious fluffiness is a front for a deep seated evil. The Shambler will continue to report as the story develops.

–Reuben Cave

Cafeteria to Expand Fresh, Never Frozen Food Options

LEXINGTON, KY – In a statement Monday morning, Amanda Langlitz, the general manager for Sodexo, announced that the Cafeteria will begin offering more Fresh, Never Frozen options in the coming weeks.

“We’ve been shocked by the reaction we’ve had to the new burgers.” Langlitz said in an exclusive statement to The Shambler, “Who knew people liked eating real food this much? We’ve been looking at other ways to bring more natural food to student’s plates. I’m excited to roll out an entire new menu based around this whole Fresh, Never Frozen brand.”

Langlitz went on to say that students can expect Fresh, Never Frozen Breakfast Cereals and Salads as early as next Monday.

“But that’s not all,” she went on to say, “By the end of the month, we hope to be able to offer Fresh, Never Frozen Ice Cream!”

-Horace Holley

Sodexo Introduces Upcharge for Paper Basket in Chicken Tender Meal

LEXINGTON, KY – After seeing a massive increase in gross revenue following the decision to make french fries an extra $0.99 for the classic Chicken Tender meal, Sodexo announced plans to divide the famous Rafskeller meal even more.

“I heard from corporate today that the traditional paper basket is now an extra $3.00,” Beth Tuttle said in an official statement in between snack wraps, “If you order the chicken tender meal, we hand 3 fresh, hot chicken tenders directly to you. And then we pour your choice of homemade sauce directly on top.”

Dozens of reports are already coming in of students suffering 2nd and 3rd degree burns as a result of the 400 degree chicken being dropped into their hands. Sodexo declined to comment on the rumored class-action lawsuit being filed against them, but instead expressed intent to further charge extra for basic eating necessities.

“We’re already looking at pricing options to increase the cost of cups. Next week we plan to announce that all cups are an extra $2.47. The standard meal deal will let customers pour soft drinks into their cupped hands. We’re also looking into price increases on ice and forks.”
Stay tuned into The Shambler for more developments in the evolving campus food landscape.

-Horace Holley

Campus Celebrates as Transy Extends Sodexo Contract

LEXINGTON, KY – Transylvania University has announced a 5 year extension to their partnership with Sodexo, the campus food-service provider. As part of the announcement, Transy community members expressed their satisfaction with the efficiency and quality of Sodexo.

“Our water bills have never been lower than with Sodexo.” A campus executive said, “It seems like they use no more than three drops of water to wash every plate, bowl, and spoon. Not only does that save money, but it’s good for the environment. And forget about heat, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plate come out of that kitchen completely dry. Overall, their energy efficiency was too good to pass up.”

“I’m really glad Sodexo will be returning,” one student said, “and I’m looking forward to the same rotation of Yankee Pot Roast, Pork Chops, and Chicken Breast for every meal. Oh, and Chex cereal every day. It’s really the consistency of the Caf that I love.”

As part of the contract, Sodexo announced many additions to the menus of all campus eateries. Jazzman’s will be introducing black licorice and jalapeno scones, as well as a 200% increase in smooth jazz. In the Rafskeller, SubConnection will be serving all new “SlimSubs”, traditional sandwiches served without meat, cheese, or vegetables, and World of Wings will start serving wings. As for Sandella’s Cafe, the changes will include a brand new on campus delivery service to any room equipped with a microwave capable of cooking gourmet flatbreads.

It’s safe to say that Transy students can look forward to another five years of gourmet dining with Sodexo.

-Horace Holley

Attendance Spikes After Healthy Diet Seminars Offer Cheesestix

LEXINGTON, KY. – In an initiative to inform the campus on tips for healthy eating, the Beck Center has been sponsoring a series of lectures regarding balanced diets over this past semester. Until recently, attendance was relatively low.

“We typically had between 0 and 3 students showing up. Usually 0.,” one of the organizers commented, “That was until we had a great idea. We started thinking about what gets college kids to show up for stuff, and the overwhelming response was free food. So we started offering free Mad Mushroom Cheesestix at all of our talks. Since then, we’ve probably pulled in around 250-300 students at each lecture. It’s just exciting that the campus is finally enthusiastic about living healthy.”

When asked about her thoughts on the lecture, one student had this to say:

“Yeah, I really don’t know what was happening. Someone was talking about something, I think. But the cheesestix were awesome!”

-Horace Holley

Shambler Studies: What Campus Eating Option Are YOU?

Whether you consider yourself greasy, scalding hot, or overpriced, this one is for you:

https://www.qzzr.com/quiz/e7ad7bbb-076e-4086-bcd0-8a61f1614133/fi9xdWl6emVzLzUwNjU2

– Burris Jenkins