YAF to Save Free Speech on Campus by Reviving the Rambler

The Eagle has swooped in to save the Rambler: In a YouTube video posted today, the Transylvania Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) pledged to support the Rambler financially. This monetary support will end the Rambler holdout with university officials. YAF was first drawn to the Rambler for its old school print format, but fell in love with content like the DPS ride along series. “We just didn’t want the Rambler to end up as a civil liberty tombstone. The loss would have hurt as much as when they banned Big Swig Soda in New York.”

A senior Rambler editor went on record thanking YAF for the funds necessary to keep the Rambler online. “This is our first time hearing about Young Americans for Freedom and we’re kind of confused about what YAF even is, but we’re excited about our new partnership and the ability to speak openly in Alumni Plaza.” The Rambler is looking forward to the boost in funding provided by the deep pockets of YAF. “We’re proud to announce Free Market Fridays – a new series of podcasts detailing different aspects of Transy’s budget.”

The Shambler, who prides itself on having little government interaction, has not faced a similar budget crisis due to its reliance on private business ventures. These have ranged from selling tickets to Raf’s tomb, selling cups and silverware in the caf, and bribing admissions ambassadors to “show the real side of Transy” to tours. The Shambler will be funded for the 2019-2020 academic year.

YAF now controls both major campus news outlets.

Local Law Firm Announces Mesothelioma Lawsuit for Victims of Forrer Hall Demolition

This week, personal injury lawyer Daryl “The Hammer” Isaacs announced that he would be looking for student plaintiffs in a class action suit seeking compensation for damages endured by students currently living within 100 feet of Forrer Hall. Mesothelioma is a new territory for The Hammer, and this case will be his first step into the field.

“I mean, just look at it; there literally could not be any more dust coming off building, the case basically wrote itself,” The Hammer revealed in an exclusive Shambler interview. “At first I wanted to bid for the demolition contract as ‘The Hammer’, but I realized the real money would be in this litigation as Daryl ‘The Hammer’ Isaacs. Even if they aren’t sick, their class commutes are unbearably long. Someone needed to do something about this.”

“I knew that the alternating boiling and freezing showers, black mold, and my roommate’s mildewy clothes were all a part of the deal, but Mesothelioma – in the air – that is just too much,” a senior Biochemistry major reported. “It’s at least 1 part per billion. That’s significant.”

Despite these allegations, the Transylvania Administration have maintained that the alleged risks of tearing down the building were worth the community that was built there. An anonymous Old Morrison representative went on the record claiming that “those affected will have the bonds they formed in Forrer for the rest of their slightly shortened lives.”

Currently, no students have complained of any complications from the demolition.

Reuben Cave

DPS Keeps Campus Open to Test New “Polar Express” Golf Cart

While students anxiously awaited the announcement of a cold weather shut down last night, DPS officers excitedly readied the latest advancement in urban transportation. The “Polar Express” golf cart was unveiled early Wednesday morning to combat low temperatures.

Chief Muravchick stopped a shivering tour group to explain the new invention. “It’s going to be a big deal in campus safety,” Chief continued, “I would say almost as important as T-Alert.” Chief went on to explain that the new golf cart would come with a fully working Tom Hanks replica. When asked if it would provide hot chocolate and dancing, Chief declined to comment.

Other campus departments have been looking for ways to utilize the extra day of classes. The Study Abroad Office has begun exploring Arctic Circle travel courses. Campus Center employees were working on a sled dog rental project; however, only two huskies and a corgi were found. “As long as students believe in Rafinesque they won’t even notice the cold,” an unnamed Campus Center employee said, “that’s how that movie worked right?”