6 Awful Things Happening in Clay & Davis Right Now

Wow Davis, you really let yourself go!

The all-out obliteration of the dormitories as old as your freakin’ dad are only a month away, and in the final voyage of ye ol’ Clay & Davis everything has gone to shit. Seemingly every day, a new and unbearable thing is added upon the heap of straight up terrible conditions in the ruins of the residence halls. One 2nd Clay resident had to add “It’s bad, like Hazelrigg bad” of the current living conditions.

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There are at least 73 outrageous things going down in Clay & Davis as we speak, so we narrowed it down to the 6 most severe issues:

1) It’s one big oven

Do your homework at a toasty 150F

2) Shower water imported directly from Antarctica

3) Mysterious sulfuric smells

4) The walls ooze green slime

But wait, they always do that

5) There is a wild puma in room 115

6) Maintenance accidentally sawed your bed in half while trying to fix the A/C

What’s next? Swarms of bees? Reincarnation of Josef Stalin? Let’s hope to building keeps standing for the rest of May term.

Campus Celebrates as Transy Extends Sodexo Contract

LEXINGTON, KY – Transylvania University has announced a 5 year extension to their partnership with Sodexo, the campus food-service provider. As part of the announcement, Transy community members expressed their satisfaction with the efficiency and quality of Sodexo.

“Our water bills have never been lower than with Sodexo.” A campus executive said, “It seems like they use no more than three drops of water to wash every plate, bowl, and spoon. Not only does that save money, but it’s good for the environment. And forget about heat, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plate come out of that kitchen completely dry. Overall, their energy efficiency was too good to pass up.”

“I’m really glad Sodexo will be returning,” one student said, “and I’m looking forward to the same rotation of Yankee Pot Roast, Pork Chops, and Chicken Breast for every meal. Oh, and Chex cereal every day. It’s really the consistency of the Caf that I love.”

As part of the contract, Sodexo announced many additions to the menus of all campus eateries. Jazzman’s will be introducing black licorice and jalapeno scones, as well as a 200% increase in smooth jazz. In the Rafskeller, SubConnection will be serving all new “SlimSubs”, traditional sandwiches served without meat, cheese, or vegetables, and World of Wings will start serving wings. As for Sandella’s Cafe, the changes will include a brand new on campus delivery service to any room equipped with a microwave capable of cooking gourmet flatbreads.

It’s safe to say that Transy students can look forward to another five years of gourmet dining with Sodexo.

-Horace Holley

Conspiracy Theories Abound In SGA Presidential Race

The lack of a decisive victor in the recent SGA Presidential election has given rise to a multitude of conspiracy theories concerning the outcome of the race.  Currently it is believed that voting errors in Hazelrigg Hall have caused the delay, and that Transylvania Student Government is awaiting a ruling from a Hazelrigg court to determine if the position will be awarded to a Texas Conservative or an environmentally-friendly Liberal.  In addition, supporters of each candidate are demanding the long-form birth certificate of their opponent, claiming that each want to usurp the SGA Constitution and “destroy Transylvania”.

In a surprising turn of events, evidence has come forth that those working for the Becker campaign broke into the headquarters of the Maughmer campaign late at night, only to be seen by a simpleton from Alabama, who had a full view of the events from his hotel room across the street.  Many are claiming that the evidence shot on camera by this witness is enough to indict, but others assert that the amount of evidence compiled suggests that there must have been a second shooter.

Even fringe groups have emerged during this election controversy, some of whom make outlandish claims like “Spring Fling was an inside job” citing that balloons don’t inflate at that temperature.  Others, gaining support from the recent revelation concerning that Editor of The Rambler, assert that both candidates are shape-shifting lizard-people bent on the destruction of Earth.  As this is a liberal arts university, the claims of these groups are just as valid as others.

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

SGA President Could Be Anyone At This Point

In a blunderous move, literally hundreds of students, celebrities, historical figures and even animals ran for SGA president this year, making the decision and votes way too confusing for administration to come to a verdict. The dog from Up pulled a good amount of the canine population’s vote, but did not get a majority over the super-popular Air Bud. Honestly, it’s any one’s game at this point as Transy’s deans carefully pick through the thousands of online, paper, and granite slab votes that have piled up. In a statement today, Transylvania has announced the top contenders so far:

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1999 Britney Spears

The ghost of Patrick Swayze

The entire cast of Full House

Drake’s emotional side

Thoroughbred racing legend, Secretariat 

Vin Diesel

Your dick cousin Chad

Air Bud

A gust of wind

Fresh Prince-era Will Smith

White privilege

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

A handsome construction worker from New A

The Iluminati

Coach Cal’s hair

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The Transy student body awaits the official announcement with much excitement, as the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire has a great relationship with administration, and Secretariat holds much promise with fiscal responsibilities. We will keep you covered as further developments are released.

-Burris Jenkins

Dr. Begley Recovers Ark of the Covenant

LEXINGTON, KY. – In a recent weekend excursion to Cairo, Dr. Begley recovered the ancient Ark of the Covenant, believed the be the vessel of the Ten Commandments. The feat was accomplished over May Term break. It was not all fun and archaeology for Begley, however, as he encountered resistance from a band of German Nationalists. Begley was able to quickly dispatch the Nazis due to many factors, including his rugged facial hair, his skill with a whip, and their average age of 95.

The only major hiccup during the adventure came when Begley tried to get the ark through customs in the Jerusalem airport, when he tried to take it as a carry on. After recovering the ark, Begley consulted with Religious Studies professor Dr. Jones to confirm the historical validity of the Ark and the Commandments contained within.

“Well, I was there when they wrote them,” Jones said, “and if you look closely, Moses drew one of those S-shaped things from elementary school on the back. That’s how I know it’s real.”

When asked for a comment, former University President Owen Williams had this to say, “It’s pretty impressive. Still not tenure worthy though, he’s just not published enough.”

-Horace Holley

11 Things Almost As Repulsive As Centre

Every U of L needs its UK, Mega Blocks its Legos, and Rambler its Shambler. Pitting two seemingly similar things against each other has gone on for ages, where one is just objectively better for one reason or another.

 Take Eagleton, Indiana- a clean and developed town where everything is pristine and perfect. Though located on a hot spring, and home to a cupcake factory that wafts an aroma of vanilla throughout the town, it still sucks. Why? Because everyone there is an arrogant pinhead, that’s why. Now compare places like uppity Danville Eagleton with towns like Pawnee, where people don’t wear ascots and Segway to their gazebo, where things aren’t 100% perfect, but the character and genuine personality of the town more than makes up for it. Eagleton had the upper hand for a while, but ultimately fell to Pawnee, because Pawnee was doing pretty damn well all along.

Centre is a spitting image of of Eagleton, mostly because it just plain sucks. It is “the land of snobby jerks” and a place where literally no one can spell. There are but two pastimes at Centre: staring at perfectly manicured lawns, and going to Wal-Mart. Rumor has it that Owen Williams actually made that massive $250,000,000 donation to Centre as one big April Fools’ prank. All in all, Centre is just repulsive. 

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 Did Voldemort graduate from Centre in 1957? Who’s to tell. Here are 11 things nearly as vile and undesirable as the Danville liberal arts college:

1) The vegetarian section in the Caf

2) Every square inch of Clay:

3) That girl with the Crocs on your hall:

4) The ramen residue that has been on that spoon since November:

5) People who brave the showers barefoot:

6) Any fraternity chapter room:

7) Getting kicked in the face by Spiderman:

8) Your roommate’s internet history:

9) Making out with Steve Buscemi:

10) Buttered popcorn flavored jellybeans:

11) The Clayvis ice machine:

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– Burris Jenkins

Scented Candle Burns Campus to the Ground

LEXINGTON, KY. – Fragrant smoke rises from the University tonight after a freak accident has resulted in the utter incineration of Transylvania’s campus.

According to the Lexington Fire Department’s assessment of the damage, the terrifying blaze can be linked back to a Davis dorm room, where a pair of unwitting arsonists had lit a Vanilla Bean Yankee candle in utter disregard of human decency and life. The flames, aided by the building’s freakish levels of asbestos and alcohol saturation, spread quickly throughout the halls, and within seconds the entirety of campus had been consumed in the fire.

This tragedy has been the realization of every Resident Advisor’s nightmares. “We’ve been warning our residents for years that this was a life-or-death situation,” said one Davis RA. “Candles are not toys – they’re serious, and they’re for grown-ups. This is only college, we can’t trust our residents with this kind of grave responsibility.”

The Assistant Director of Student Life had this to say in the aftermath of the tragedy: “I knew this would happen. I’ve been saying this would happen all along. Well, who’s laughing now?”

Despite the majority of its offices and residences having been reduced to ashes, the Transy administration remains optimistic. In a public response addressing the destruction, school officials claimed that this fire has actually saved the university several thousands of dollars in demolition fees. “Plus, we’re gunna make a killing with those insurance claims,” said one board member. “We really couldn’t be happier.”

– Abraham Drake

Transy Tech: 10 Things More Consistent Than TUWIFI

As we hurriedly fired up our computers and connected to Transylvania’s problematic wireless fidelity signal, we at the Shambler were miraculously able to send out this article before we lost connection to the internet. If you’re reading this, then congrats! But hurry because your connection probably won’t exist 25 seconds from now. Or more likely, RIP your data bill, we send our best.

In any case, here are ten of the countless things more likely to happen than TUWIFI to load a page:

1) That you’ll laugh at an ImprompTU joke:

2) A pre-med student sticking with their major:

3) Gary Deaton actually having class:

4) A typo in a Rambler headline:

5) The Caf ice cream actually being scoopable:

6) The auto-flush toilet going off while you’re still on it:

7) Construction starting promptly at 7:00 am:

8) The chances of getting princess parking in Back Circle:

9) That a humanities major has ever been in BSC:

10) Literally anything. Like we’re shocked that this article even loaded for you. 

– Burris Jenkins