Red Bang Bang Customer Just Happy to Find Actual Meat in Meal

Lexington’s cheapest Chinese cuisine has achieved a great deal of publicity after a customer claimed to have been served a dead mouse — and it’s done the restaurant wonders. Over the past year Red Bang Bang’s corporate big-wigs radically altered its entire business model by increasing scoops of Chinese classics from $1 to an outrageous $1.10, and only keeping their doors open until 10pm instead of the usual 3am close. These changes devastated their late-night college customers and weakened the appeal of Red Bang Bang, until now. Rumors have spread swiftly of the restaurant allegedly serving 100% natural Bluegrass meat, and thousands have heard.

An excerpt from the customer’s Yelp review explained:

Reports indicate that some Lexingtonians are pitching tents in front of the Maxwell Street business, craving rodent delicacies with their chicken-fried rice as soon as doors (hopefully) open Monday.

– Burris Jenkins

Secretary Hillary Clinton Spotted In Back Caf

Campus is abuzz today as media coverage flocks to the Clive M. Beck Center to anxiously await an appearance of “The Candidate for The Youths” Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Excitement is reaching fever pitch as jazzed Pioneers, giddy DPS officers, and ambivalent professors will soon pack the gym. Clinton is prepared to tear up the main court almost as bad as the Division III athletic teams that ball out there – hoping to get voters on her bench. Before her 7:00 rally, the Secretary of State dined at Transy’s hottest dining option: the Caf. Clinton approached one student to ask “where the Youths grab a bite and kick back,” which led her to farthest and darkest corner of the edgy, hub of millennial life known as Back Caf. After chowing down on some Raisin Bran and splurging on 2 whole french fries, she brushed off her light blue pantsuit and then grotesquely dabbed an unassuming Sodexo employee.

Clinton’s Lexington visit will be an extended tour, as she plans to “do some shooty hoops” in the upstairs recreation gym for a game of intramural sports ball, as well as “get schwifty” at the nearby West Sixth Brewery.

Senator Sanders was also spotted on campus today, exchanging gossip with Miss Erica and taking a long drag from a pipe in Smoking Circle.

– Burris Jenkins

Transy Administration: “We’re Just Doing Whatever The Hell UK Does Now”

“If It Works For UK, It’ll Surely Work For Us!” was announced as the official motto for Transylvania University this morning, as the past year of marketing and development has tirelessly striven to be a tiny mirror image of the big University down the street.

UK Director of Marketing Miguel Snarks, who recently caught on to the trend in Transy’s efforts had this to say:

“I really don’t understand, we’re talking 1,000 students and 21,000 students – it’s like comparing apples to some fruit 20x the size of an apple. How would it make any sense to make changes to the tight-knit community, tradition, and operation of Transylvania based on what kinda works for the University of Kentucky? Whatever, they’ll run themselves out of money in no time.”

In response, Transylvania impulsively threw large sums of cash towards:

• Renovating the ancient Cowgill building
• Another 2 tons of grass for the unavoidable dirt worn path in front of Haupt
• Constructing a massive, slightly larger 6-story library
• Not more professors
• Adding several more floors to the most underused building on campus
• Student Activities Board hosted laser tag // manned moon missions

But not to be forgotten, the Communications Office dumped $150,000 on a unique logo that truly captures the spirit of D3-trying-to-be-D1 athletics: 

“Apply now, because we’ll be bankrupt by Wednesday!” brightly announces a banner outside of the Admissions Office, hanging by one struggling thumbtack.

– Burris Jenkins

 

 

Greek Awards: A Look At The Sorority Nominees

The friendly and endearing competition between Transy’s sororities is no more neighborly than on bid day and Greek week events, so to set apart our goodhearted nominees we’re taking a closer look at our four chapters:  

Phi Mu:

• Broke Guinness World Record for fastest hand quatrefoil with 0.075ms
• Only 3 attendees of this year’s Cupcake Wars left with Diabetes
• Opening crafting and cooler-painting sweatshop next fall
• Has gone record 2 hours without saying “YAAAS”

Tri Delta:

• 99.9962% blonde
• Opened community hospital for glitter suffocation following fall recruitment
• Most Likely To Identify With a Florida Georgia Line song
• Corporate Sponsorship w/ LL Bean

Chi Omega:

• Voted Scariest Sorority of 2015
• Celebrating Spiritual Founder Lilly Pulitzer this November
• Reportedly building new chapter house with Campus Sing cans
• Spent collective $300,000 on big-little reveal gifts
• Nearly successful year of convincing Panhel that they aren’t Shane McKee’s favorite

AOII:

• Color is cardinal red
• Founded at Transy in 1987
• Mascot is a panda
• 190 chapters nationally
• Jokes taken this year: zero

 

– Burris Jenkins

 

Greek Awards: A Look At The Fraternity Nominees

Winter 2016 is off to a great start for Transy’s Greek men, as miraculously not a single chapter is on social probation. Hype is reaching fever pitch for the 2016 Greek Awards, so let’s take a look at our fraternity nominees in depth before the big day:

Phi Kappa Tau:

• Held first ever Soccer Ball formal
• 55% brahs / 45% bruhs
• Annual kielbasa sausage-eating contest was major success
• Negotiating philanthropic sponsorship with Natural Light
• Yearly Canada trips fulfill passion for studying abroad
• Adding final touches to bronze statue of Nash Laungani

Pi Kappa Alpha:

• 125 years of dark tradition at Transylvania
• Actually invincible
• Quadrupled membership this year
• Re-celebrating first year anniversary of being on campus
• One brother holds 7 offices
• Alumni promising pledge class of 2016 new Lexus for every member

Delta Sigma Phi:

• Excitedly checking Tnet for grades is only brotherhood event
• 15 heteronormative campus sing wins in a row
• 56% nerds, 29% gay, 18% both
• Made Taylor Swift famous
• Introduced resume building to ritual this year
• Last Sig function had record four girls in attendance

Kappa Alpha Order:

• Coolest officer titles
• An order, not a fraternity
• Promoting gluten-free wheat, barley, and alfalfa diet
• 97.6% off-campus
• Another year carefully avoiding Civil War spoilers
• Still going to be more successful than you

– Burris Jenkins

Great Sphinx’s Missing Nose Found Up Delta Sig’s Ass

Archaeologists made an earth-shattering discovery this weekend when they finally found the location of the Great Sphinx of Giza’s missing nose, putting an end to a mystery that predates modern times. What is most surprising to experts, however, is not that the nose was found at all, but rather the location in which it was found–the asses of the members of Delta Sigma Phi Beta Mu.

“It’s shocking, really,” said Dr. Chris Begley, Associate Professor of Anthropology at Transylvania University and (probably) an expert on the Great Sphinx. “To think that the sphinx’s nose was located not in the west bank of the Nile at all, but rather distributed throughout one hundred wannabe frat boys’ assholes, defies every bit of conventional archaeological wisdom.”

The find was made when senior Jared Brewer, long accused of having a stick up his ass, finally stopped to check. What he found was not a stick but rather a jagged shard of limestone. Upon reporting the find to chapter Health & Wellness chair Justin Wright, Wright ordered the entire fraternity to stop and investigate their own derrières. The found limestone fragments were then reassembled into the sphinx’s nose.

The nose is currently on display in the Morlan Gallery, where it is expected to draw record handfuls of visitors via first years seeking Creative Engagements credit, before it will be returned to Egypt to be reattached to the statue’s face.

Reports that the chapter will attempt to parlay this discovery into even more media attention are unconfirmed.

 
— Alva Woods

Aaron Roberts Devastated Over McKee Departure

LEXINGTON, KY – Aaron Roberts opens the door to his office slowly, the hinges whining. The dusty Campus Center office betrays obvious neglect. Roberts takes his place behind his desk, not bothering to turn on the lights. On the desk, a picture of he and Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, smiling proudly at the Involvement Fair. It’s evident he did not bother to clean before our interview. 

“I’m starting to accept it,” Roberts said between heavy pulls of a bottle of sparkling water, “but it hasn’t been easy.”

He is referring, of course, to the imminent departure of Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership. Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, announced recently his plan to move to Texas to start a family.

“Without me.” interjects Roberts.

Scattered about the office are certain souvenirs from their time together. Pictures from IFC Meetings adorn the walls, on his bookshelf sits a baseball from their games of catch, and on his lamp hangs a lay from their Hawaiian vacation.

“We’ve had some good times, but now they’re over, they’re all ov..” said Roberts before breaking down into sobs.

Finally regaining composure, Roberts says, “I hope its true what they say, ‘there are plenty of Directors of Student Involvement and Leadership in the sea.’”

-Horace Holley

Snowfall Causes Students To Suddenly Care About Their Professors’ Safety

Lexington–

Early Sunday evening, as the sun began to set over Lexington, gray clouds moved in and a small amount of snow sprinkled down from above. Within an hour, the flurries became a steady stream, and by 10:00 that night, several inches had already accumulated on the ground. Recognizing the potentially hazardous road conditions, Mayor Jim Gray advised Lexington residents to avoid driving if possible.

Even with all of this, the forecast for Monday looked to be snowless and warm enough to melt the accumulation from the night before. By all accounts, road conditions were expected to return to normal in time for the morning commute on the following day.

However, Transylvania students were not so easily convinced. Fearing for the safety of their professors who commute from various locations, some coming all the way from Danville, the students took to social media to express their concerns.

“How could we endanger our professors like this?” one student asked, posting a picture of a snow covered road. “I mean, I would absolutely never want to miss class, but I would also never want my professors to risk traversing these tundra-like conditions for me.”

Clark Murray, a senior, was similarly apprehensive. “I mean, without class, I’ll probably just cry a lot first. I’m very emotionally attached to my classes. Then I’ll probably just spend the rest of the day studying anyway, but at least Dr. Jones won’t have to strap on his snowshoes and plod his way to campus. I’ve also heard that the snowstorm attracted some polar bears.”

Regardless, the hundreds of posts on Twitter and Facebook make one thing clear: when it comes to potential snow days, Transylvania students would obviously prefer to have class, but aren’t willing to risk their professor’s safety.

Some students have even proposed taking the day off for rain and the subsequent wet roads. Just for the professors.
–Reuben Cave

12 Mascot Ideas That Also Make No Sense

Not to be outdone by UK’s recent blunderous athletics logo, Transy is taking a confusing crack at the mascot game. Luckily our two options don’t resemble bird intercourse, but many Pioneers (at least for now that’s what we’re called) are wondering “why?” Here are some other mascot ideas that make a little more sense.

1. Transylvania Gender-Neutral, Trigger-Safe Vampires
2. University of Louisville Ladies of the Night
3. Transylvania Hyper Homosexual Bats
4. Centre Robotic Vanilla Nether-Fiends
5. The University of Kentucky Birdsex
6. Alpha Omicron Pi Pandas
7. Harvard Fierce Upper Class White Males
8. Massachusetts Institute of Technology Giant Freaking Nerds
9. Transylvania Wowing Doges
10. University of Alabama Crushing Confederates
11. Beijing Institute of Technology Suffocating Smog
12. Transylvania Prancin’ Ponies

Why? Would it not make more sense to stick to the humor and unique mark of Transylvania’s vampire spin? We want to see a bat  as our mascot, and we’re not alone. 
— Burris Jenkins

 

Philosophy Major Forced to Steal Textbooks for Ethics Class

A suspect believed to be responsible for last week’s bookstore robbery has been taken into custody. D.P.S. claims that senior philosophy major M.J. Meade stole four books from the store, valuing over 900 dollars. The books, Meade claims, were for his Ethical Theory class. When asked for comment, Meade had the following to say, “Is it so wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread in order to feed his starving family? As a philosophy major, I felt that I needed to be able to answer this question since I’ll probably be in this exact situation in the nearish future. Within the books, I sought to find this answer. Only now can I finally begin to see the possible moral implications of what I’ve done.”

Meade has thus far refused to admit any wrongdoing on his own part, claiming that he is unable to make this judgment until he has completed the course.

A spokesperson for the bookstore, released the following statement: “We here at Follett are simply mortified by these actions and cannot begin to understand the compulsion to cheat a business out of its hard-earned money. This is simply unacceptable. Those books had value, even if Amazon does sell them at prices that are comically low compared to ours.”

The anonymous tipster who aided in Meade’s capture was reportedly rewarded with a bookstore gift card valuing $50 or, as it applies to its recipient, ¼ of a Lifetime Fitness textbook.

-Abraham Drake