Getting an invitation to lifelong brotherhood is only possible through the right style. Follow our men’s recruitment style guide closely to make it to bid day.
Meet the Greeks
Coke Parties
On Campus
Spirit Night
Smoker
Bid day
– Burris Jenkins
All posts by transyauthor
BREAKING: Culprit Behind the Forrer Flood Discovered
Lexington–
Last Saturday, residents of Forrer Hall were surprised by a sudden surge of floodwaters. Spilling out of a bathroom stall, a high pressure stream of water spat gallon after gallon of water onto the floor. It didn’t take long for the water to become ankle deep, working its way down from the third floor, all the way to the computer lab in the basement. Damages were widespread; student property, campus computers, furniture, and infrastructure were all affected by the unwanted water.
To deal with the damages, a team was created out of a combination of DPS officers, RA’s, and an emergency disaster protection group. Members of each group worked around the clock to make sure that the students were safe and the water was stopped. By the time the water was stopped, the leading theory was that corroded pipes had caused the damage.
However, we here at the Shambler have discovered a much more sinister truth:
The flood was caused by none other than the 3rd Davis Basilisk, which until recently was thought to have vacated campus after being discovered living on the Pike Hall last year.
One eyewitness, who requested anonymity, recounted the situation; “There I was, brushing my teeth, trying to forget about the horrors of finals week, when I suddenly heard a strange whispering sound. I went around the corner to investigate, when it erupted from the bathroom stall in a huge explosion of water. I mean, it was pretty clearly a Basilisk, and thankfully I was just trying to get the Snapchat, so I didn’t actually make eye contact.”
The story seems to line up with widespread reports of Basilisk-related injuries that had been circulating throughout Forrer all year. Some students had been found completely petrified in various locations, such as the bathrooms, the hallways, and in some cases, their own rooms.
“In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious that it was the Basilisk causing problems again,” said senior Clark Murray, “Though we did blame the petrification on the normal things, like Caf food, the flu, or that blackish mold that likes to grow in the Forrer rooms.. You know the stuff.”
Since eyewitnesses have begun to spring up, DPS has once again coordinated a search effort with the Quidditch team. The Shambler will be back with updates as the story develops.
– Reuben Cave
Organic Chemistry Student’s Midterm Grade Barely Edges Out Kentucky Voter Turnout
Kentucky isn’t the only thing devestated by a much, much lower percentage than they wanted, as Junior Bio-Chemistry major Elias Hanna finally got back his anxiously-awaited midterm test grade in Organic Chemistry this morning. After weeks and weeks of hard work, dedication, and sleepless nights, both Kentucky politicians and student’s in the 11:30 section of Organic are completely in shambles. The tragic 30% voter turnout that occured in the Commonwealth yesterday will leave the Bluegrass state thinking about their decisions for the next 4 years, as will Hanna’s test grade.
– Burris Jenkins
Editor of Transylvania’s “Rambler” Believed to Be Shapeshifting Lizard Person
Lexington—
In a shocking turn of events, new evidence has surfaced that says there may be more to the seemingly normal staff of Transylvania’s second most popular news source, the Rambler.
Late Wednesday night, junior Clark Murray rushed into the DPS office, frantically shouting what seemed to be gibberish. “When we finally got the student to calm down and speak clear English, we were even more confused than when he first came in,” said one officer, “he started telling us about seeing some sort of monster down in the Rambler office in the basement of Clay Hall”.
According to Murray, he had been searching for some quarters in the Clay Hall laundry room (in order to buy a soda), when he heard a sound coming from the door that leads into the Rambler editorial office. As he walked up to the entrance to investigate, what he saw caused him to immediately have what he described as a “level nineteen freak out”.
“What I saw was more disturbing than the time all of the toilets got clogged at once on fourth Davis,” said Murray, “I watched in horror as a well-known student and editor of the Rambler molted out of their skin. At first I thought I was dreaming, but the creature saw me and came towards me”.
Clark was too shaken up to continue giving a vocal interview, but he managed to write down the rest of his story. Apparently, the giant reptilian creature, upon seeing Clark, resumed the humanoid form of the student. Upon seeing this, Clark immediately ran out of the building and into the DPS office.
“We’ve suspected for a while that the Rambler might have had some sort of shapeshifting alien creature on staff,” said one officer, “I mean have you read the things they’ve written? That stuff couldn’t come from a bunch of regular students”.
It is not clear at this time whether or not the creature witnessed by Clark is the only one hiding among the Rambler staff. The investigation has been added to a growing number of cases, including the Don Dugi-Basilisk case which is still ongoing. The Shambler will provide updates as they occur.
-Reuben Cave
Quiz: What GPA Did You Actually Deserve This Semester?
Whether you’ve been sobbing uncontrollably or rejoicing with Back Circle sand volleyball angels- grades are back and they’ve left their impact. But grades aren’t usually fair, you had so many fantastic points in Political Theory II and that pity B minus is sick and disgusting, so find the GPA that you should have gotten this semester with this comprehensive quiz:
https://www.qzzr.com/quiz/5fb27f1f-7dc8-4502-b4d0-317f9a4837b5/fi9xdWl6emVzLzU4ODQz
Forrer Courtyard Fountain to Include Laser Show
LEXINGTON, KY. – Campus pedestrians over the past week are likely to have noticed recent renovations to the fountain in the courtyard of Forrer Hall. Honoring a nearly annual tradition, the university has taken the task of once again reimagining the Forrer courtyard, and newly released blueprints include one key feature: lasers.
The full-scale fountain laser show is expected to complete construction within the month, and will include strobe lights every night after 6 p.m., fountains that shoot water approximately 300 yards high, and a soundtrack comprised of mostly Dragonforce and AC/DC. There are rumors of a fog machine to be included in the final design, but campus planners declined to comment.
“We have a very adaptable space in the Forrer courtyard that for years has gone underutilized,” Marc Matthews said in a recent statement, “We’ve tried different things in the past that never really took off. Mostly, they were mundane changes, a bench here, or a bush there. We even talked about putting in more doors. But now, I’m thinking it’s time to make a radical change. And what gets people more excited than lasers?”
When asked the final cost of the renovations, Matthews estimated the total to be around $130,000. In a post-press conference official statement, the university also announced the complete discontinuation of the Political Science department for a lack of funding.
-Horace Holley
Transy Releases Updated May Term Course Offerings
LEXINGTON, KY. – In a recent press release, the registrar’s office announced multiple last minute course offerings for this coming May Term. The Shambler has considered these recent offerings for their academic merit and adherence to the values of the liberal arts. Our recommendations are as follows:
PS-2078-01 The Politics of Corruption: The Underwood Problem, Dr. Cairo
A case study of the world of political corruption through the life and crimes of Frank and Claire Underwood. This class is very discussion heavy, and requires a prerequisite Netflix account. It is sure to leave you considering your world much more carefully and suspicious of all authority figures around you.
PHIL-1001-01 Structuring Dreamspace and Meditation Practicum, Dr. Manning
An exploration into the inner mind, this class will use naps to interpret the significance of dreams. The class will meet in Back Circle every morning, or afternoon, or whenever you want really. Or don’t show up. It’s all good.
IDS-4005-01 Medieval Conquest and Siege, Dr. Russell
This class will seek to understand the strategies and tactics of medieval warfare through live action roleplaying. Students will be expecting to construct their own armor and weapons, as well as a backstory and ancestry for own noble knight. They will then wage total war on each other until an excessive number of booboos or scraped knees is reached.
WRC-2054-06 Scholastic Interpretations of Summer Hits of the Late 1990’s, Prof. Deaton
A consideration of the most foundational period in American pop culture. This class will let the good times roll, kick back with a couple of Capri Suns, and jam out with a carefully structured Socratic discussion of the various implications of the summer hits of the 2000’s. Prerequisites include frosted tips, puka shell necklaces, and denim jackets.
-Horace Holley
10 Things That You’ll Actually Do On Reading Day
Study? Yeah, right.
You haven’t honestly been productive all semester, so why start now?
Never mind that 15-pager that you literally just started, or those 5 chapters of Biology that you need to actually read, here’s what you’ll really be up to on reading day:
1) Accidentally sit in the Caf for like 2 hours:
2) Fall asleep the second you open your Western Traditions book:
3) Throw a bomb-ass rager in Raf’s Tomb (Circa 1996):
4) Drop every single binder and paper from the semester while hurrying across Broadway:
5) Get caught talking shit about Fast 7 in Jazzman’s by Vin Diesel
6) Decimate the British Coast with Dean LoMonaco’s goat, Jonas
7) Get involved in a land war with Asia:
8) Mysteriously switch bodies with your mom as a lesson:
9) Single-handedly topple the government of Ecuador:
10) Make it through this list without TUWIFI disconnecting
Good luck out there.
-Burris Jenkins
Dr. Dugi Seen Exiting Slytherin Common Room
LEXINGTON, KY – Shambler Correspondents at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have informed the board of editors that Don Dugi, professor of political science, was seen leaving the Slytherin Common Rooms in the Hogwarts Dungeon. According to our sources, Dugi exited the common room in the company of Severus Snape, speaking in a hushed whisper.
“Honestly, he fits the bill of a Hogwarts regular,” said Rita Skeeter, chief magical correspondent for the Shambler, “First of all, he has the alliteration of the name. Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, Don Dugi. It just works. Second, he has the typical brooding nature that all the best have. If I didn’t know any better, I would say there’s some foul play going on here.”
Dr. Dugi commented on his recent appearance, saying “there was a time when Transylvania had a strong connection with institutes of supernatural education. Believe it or not, Interlibrary Loan used to extend as far as the forbidden section of Hogwart’s library. I was simply there trying to rekindle that connection with my good friend Severus.”
Dugi has since been named the top suspect for the recent appearance of the Dark Mark above Haupt Humanities, as well as the last week’s eruption of a Basilisk from the bathroom of 3rd Davis.
-Horace Holley
Introducing the Shambler’s Endorsements for SGA Elections, 2015
Lexington-
Though Transy’s campus has been struck with a nasty combo of rolling wi-fi and AC outages that one analyst described as “literally worse than the bubonic plague and the hypothetical eruption of the Yellowstone Super Volcano combined”, the Shambler worked through the night to publish its election endorsements.
It is the sincere hope of this publication that the endorsements and information presented here will help the student body elect the most effective Student Government possible.
President: Owen Williams
The dark horse candidate of the elections, preliminary polls showed that most students didn’t even realize that Williams was running for the position. However, word has recently begun to spread, and he has recently gained much traction among the students. When asked to comment on the recent wi-fi crisis, Williams had this to say: “I am very rich. I plan on throwing, literally throwing, wads of cash at the server system until it starts functioning. Or I’ll just fire it and bring on a new server”. That sounds like a plan to us.
Overall, Williams is the natural choice. After all, he has a history of being extremely successful in Presidential positions, becoming the easy favorite of those around him. The Shambler assures the students of Transy that at least one of our reporters received like, at least an A- in Intro to Politics, so it is safe to trust our opinion. If that’s not enough, our Dads say Williams is the clear choice for the office. You think you know more than our dads?
Vice President: the Vengeful Ghost of Constantine Rafinesque
As everyone is aware, many locations on Transylvania’s campus are named after this important professor from the early 1800s. An important biologist, Rafinesque is widely known for placing a curse on Transylvania after being exiled from the school. After years of torment, his body was moved to a tomb beneath Old Morrison to break the curse, but this move only opened up the door for more problems.
Rafinesque’s ghost has since been haunting the campus for years. Many atrocities are attributed to this rage-filled spirit, and he is currently suspect in the great internet outage of 2015, an ongoing issue.
However, giving the ghost responsibilities has proven to reduce the number of paranormal attacks he is able to conduct. It is for this reason that Rafinesque was originally hired as the Shambler’s own on-staff reporter. Make him the Vice-President of SGA and he won’t haunt anyone. Probably.
Chief of Staff: Drew Preston
When considering the position of Chief of Staff, only the candidates who bring an extensive background of political experience to the table can make the cut. That is why sophomore Drew Preston is the Shambler’s choice for this year’s election. Preston not only has the type of deep political experience that can only come from being a second-year undergrad student, but also knows how to address the difficult issues of diversity that the campus has been facing lately.
From his Hazelrigg room, Drew promises to tackle the tough issues, saying “I know how to fix things for you people, I promise”.
The Shambler could not get in touch with Preston, most likely because he was busy opening fan mail.
Chief of Finance: Montez
Montez is the clear choice for Chief of Finance. When he’s not making flatbreads, he’s making mad cash. He no longer has “money problems”, and with him handling TUSGA’s finances, neither will the students.
Enough said.
-Reuben Cave
The Shambler 