LEXINGTON, KY – After seeing a massive increase in gross revenue following the decision to make french fries an extra $0.99 for the classic Chicken Tender meal, Sodexo announced plans to divide the famous Rafskeller meal even more.
“I heard from corporate today that the traditional paper basket is now an extra $3.00,” Beth Tuttle said in an official statement in between snack wraps, “If you order the chicken tender meal, we hand 3 fresh, hot chicken tenders directly to you. And then we pour your choice of homemade sauce directly on top.”
Dozens of reports are already coming in of students suffering 2nd and 3rd degree burns as a result of the 400 degree chicken being dropped into their hands. Sodexo declined to comment on the rumored class-action lawsuit being filed against them, but instead expressed intent to further charge extra for basic eating necessities.
“We’re already looking at pricing options to increase the cost of cups. Next week we plan to announce that all cups are an extra $2.47. The standard meal deal will let customers pour soft drinks into their cupped hands. We’re also looking into price increases on ice and forks.”
Stay tuned into The Shambler for more developments in the evolving campus food landscape.
-Horace Holley
The Shambler 