Cafeteria to Expand Fresh, Never Frozen Food Options

LEXINGTON, KY – In a statement Monday morning, Amanda Langlitz, the general manager for Sodexo, announced that the Cafeteria will begin offering more Fresh, Never Frozen options in the coming weeks.

“We’ve been shocked by the reaction we’ve had to the new burgers.” Langlitz said in an exclusive statement to The Shambler, “Who knew people liked eating real food this much? We’ve been looking at other ways to bring more natural food to student’s plates. I’m excited to roll out an entire new menu based around this whole Fresh, Never Frozen brand.”

Langlitz went on to say that students can expect Fresh, Never Frozen Breakfast Cereals and Salads as early as next Monday.

“But that’s not all,” she went on to say, “By the end of the month, we hope to be able to offer Fresh, Never Frozen Ice Cream!”

-Horace Holley

Shambler Quiz: Which Sorority Do You Belong In?

Sorority Recruitment can be hard, The Shambler is here to make it easy. In these simple, yet essential ten questions all of your recruitment anxieties and qualms will be laid to rest. Whether you’re a first year excited to join a sorority or a junior Greek woman curious of what you’d draw the second time through, see where you stand! 

The Quiz:

https://www.qzzr.com/quiz/8902817a-6b8b-4c32-9b29-066eff29a264/fi9xdWl6emVzLzEwMDExMQ

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Transylvania Announces Plans to Tear Down and Rebuild Historic Patterson Cabin

Lexington-

Early this morning, the Transy Builds initiative announced plans for a new construction project involving the Patterson Cabin, which stands on the edge of campus, near the library.  The details of the plan were made clear in a press release, outlining intents to demolish the small one-room building and replace it with a “more modern” re-imagining of the cabin.

The cabin, built in 1775, was one of the first structures built in the area, and helped to encourage settlement of what would eventually become Lexington. According to sources in Haupt Humanities, it is very closely tied to the story of Lexington itself.

“As we were discussing all of the construction projects we wanted to pursue, all I could think about was that dilapidated little house” said the President of the school. “I knew that I wanted to breathe some new life into that small, wooden, hand-built corner of campus”.

Another section of the plan lays out the features of the proposed new cabin, which include several flat screen televisions, wireless internet, multiple couches and chairs, and a hot tub.

“I’ve been saying for years that if Transy really wants to be competitive in the world of admissions, a hot tub is an absolute necessity,” said senior Clark Murray, “though I am a little sad that I won’t get to use it. I actually prefer to do my homework in a hot tub, and have had to commute to do so all these years. Think of how convenient this is!”

Also included in the press release were plans to rename the cabin. “We felt that with all of the re-branding we are doing on campus, it was important to stress progress in all areas. We couldn’t just build a completely new cabin and then let it still be called Patterson Cabin,” said a member of the Communications Office, “Plus, for some reason, we had a bunch of alumni from the Kappa Alpha Order that were interested in having a cabin named after them”.

A date for the start of the project has not been set.

–Reuben Cave

Sorority Scandal: “My Little Isn’t Perfect”

LEXINGTON, KY – As the pandemonium that is Greek Recruitment consumes campus, one sorority woman is making waves of her own. Thursday night, in an emotional and lengthy Facebook post, senior AOII Heather Owens publicly announced for the first time that her little is not, in fact, perfect.

“I can no longer continue to lie to my sisters and the rest of the campus community,” Owens said in the post, which has since been deleted. “I have always prided myself on being a trustworthy individual and, having now maintained this illusion for nearly three years, am beginning to question whether I was ever that at all,” she continued. An examination of Heather’s timeline reveals numerous photos of her little, junior Laura Gibson, performing various mundane tasks such as eating an ice cream cone and napping on a futon, all with captions boasting the pride felt by Owens for having a little who is “perfect.”

Following a list of idiosyncrasies and imperfections held by Gibson, including “confusing the words infer and imply” and “thinking Interstellar was a good movie” among others, the post concluded, “Laura, I will always love you and I hope you know that. I am sorry that I have waited so long to tell you this, but I can no longer keep up this charade.”

The response from the Greek community has been swift and highly divided. “This type of honesty, bravery, and critical self-reflection  is the exact type of thing that I look for in our campus leaders,” said Director of Student Involvement and Leadership Shane McKee, one of several prominent figures to declare support for Owens.

The reactions have not all been positive, however, with some even calling for Owens to resign from her leadership roles on campus. “I looked at Heather as a friend, a sister and someone I could trust,” said one AOII who wished to remain anonymous. “To know that she was comfortable lying about this not only to me, but everyone we know, makes me wonder what else she’s lied about. Is her name really Heather? Does she even have a little?”

For her part, Laura Gibson, whose name is at the center of this firestorm, seems relatively unfazed by the revelation. “I guess I’ve always kind of known,” she told The Shambler in an exclusive statement. “After all, everybody knows that I’m the only one with a perfect little.”

-Abraham Drake

Sodexo Introduces Upcharge for Paper Basket in Chicken Tender Meal

LEXINGTON, KY – After seeing a massive increase in gross revenue following the decision to make french fries an extra $0.99 for the classic Chicken Tender meal, Sodexo announced plans to divide the famous Rafskeller meal even more.

“I heard from corporate today that the traditional paper basket is now an extra $3.00,” Beth Tuttle said in an official statement in between snack wraps, “If you order the chicken tender meal, we hand 3 fresh, hot chicken tenders directly to you. And then we pour your choice of homemade sauce directly on top.”

Dozens of reports are already coming in of students suffering 2nd and 3rd degree burns as a result of the 400 degree chicken being dropped into their hands. Sodexo declined to comment on the rumored class-action lawsuit being filed against them, but instead expressed intent to further charge extra for basic eating necessities.

“We’re already looking at pricing options to increase the cost of cups. Next week we plan to announce that all cups are an extra $2.47. The standard meal deal will let customers pour soft drinks into their cupped hands. We’re also looking into price increases on ice and forks.”
Stay tuned into The Shambler for more developments in the evolving campus food landscape.

-Horace Holley

Kim Davis Refuses Transylvania Parking Pass to Gay Student

After a long and hectic day at her part time County Clerk job in Rowan County, media-famous Kim Davis clocked in at Transylvania’s Office of Public Safety to issue out parking passes to students for the 2015-2016 year. She had finally escaped the onslaught of reporters and flashing cameras to fulfill her duties peacefully at the Lexington liberal arts college. That was until 3:27 PM yesterday.

Rising senior and respected campus leader Chris Connery entered the office wearing his rainbow-emblazoned ‘Lexington’ Kentucky for Kentucky shirt and politely asked for a parking pass, setting Kim Davis off into another tirade. She denied him a (notably overpriced) parking pass and began ranting after assuming that Connery was homosexual:

“This isn’t a case of Back Circle versus road-side parking, this is a case of heaven versus HELL,” boldly stated Davis, “How can I allow a student to safely park their vehicle on this campus when they don’t allow Jesus to take the wheel, and resort to such sins?!”

Davis, who has accrued a total of 7 parking tickets amounting to $520 in fines, is a clear authority of the right-and-wrong of the situation. She goes against Transylvania’s Board of Trustees recent ruling that gay students can legally park on campus, a much wiser authority. She defends her actions, citing an oddly specific and loosely applicable passage from the Bible, while totally ignoring critical and overarching elements of the holy text, such as “Thou shalt not park in fire zones”.

— Burris Jenkins