LEXINGTON, KY – In a press conference Wednesday morning, Transylvania University president Seamus Carey has officially declared the Class of 2019 to be the most “adequate” class in University history. The announcement came after much speculation as to what superlative award would be assigned to this year’s overwhelmingly average class.
“It was stressful there for a while,” Carey said to the media, “We were having a lot of trouble deciding what this class was the best at. They were okay at a lot of things, but they were never the best. They weren’t the biggest, or most diverse. Eventually what we realized is that the Class of 2019 is just really good at being okay. They are aggressively average. That’s why we decided to declare them the most adequate class in university history.”
Carey went on to say that the administration also considered declaring the Class of 2019 to be the Most Timid, Most Left-Handed, or Most Likely to Graduate in 2019.
“I am confident that the Class of 2019 will adequately move us into the future,” Carey said in an exclusive interview with The Shambler, “We have already started brainstorming superlative awards for the Class of 2020. Right now, I am proud to declare the Class of 2020 as the Most Hypothetical Class in Transylvania history!”
-Horace Holley
The Shambler 