- Use Your Backpack to Carry Alcohol
It’s the first Saturday night of August Term and you’ve invited some girls to your room that you awkwardly sat next to at lunch. You’ve called your cousin’s friend who is 21 and have a 30 pack of Natty Lite and a 6 pack of Redd’s Apple Ale on the way. The only problem is, your room is next to the RA’s, and he’s got his door open. So you need a discreet way to get the drinks back to your dorm. Look no further than your trusty backpack. The average JanSport backpack can hold 20 beers, so between you and your roommate, you should have no problem hauling that cargo back upstairs. Plus, you will impress your RA by looking extra studious on a Saturday night. It’s a classic win-win.
2. The Soft Serve Machine is Endless
College is a wonderful place full of endless possibilities. Perhaps the greatest of these isn’t the possibility of self-discovery or the introduction of lifelong friends, but instead the sweet reality of endless soft serve ice cream. Tucked in the corner of Transy’s Cafeteria is a beautiful machine that pumps out rivers of beautiful, delicious, and infinite soft serve. On warm August days, it is not unusual to see freshmen lining up to do soft serve stands on the machine. The Freshman Fifteen is coming, so you might as well do it right.
3. For Extra Study Privacy, Take an ACE Room for Yourself
The basement of the library offers plenty of alternatives to the classic wooden desk for the diligent student. Known as the ACE Center (the full name is unknown), the basement offers plenty of large tables to really spread out and breathe. We especially recommend the private rooms to truly experience an isolated and focused environment. Don’t worry about taking an entire room to yourself, the Library officially recognizes the D.I.B.S system of reserving study spaces.
4. Don’t Talk about Clay and Davis
You weren’t there. You don’t know. You never experienced the cooling sensation of the shower flooding around your feet. You can’t reminisce on the soothing scent of cigarettes and asbestos. You never evacuated because of a fire alarm 4 times in a single weekend. There are certain things in life that truly defy description, and Clay and Davis Halls are two of them. So, freshmen, don’t talk about them. Don’t even say their names.
5. Use a Coonskin Cap Instead of a Sock on the Door
So, the backpack trick worked and things went well with the girl from the Caf. Your roommate stumbled out to get Tolly Ho, and you’re looking for a little privacy. The classic college move would be to hang a sock on the doorknob to thwart would-be interrupters. At an institute like Transy, we find that crass and cliche. So instead, we recommend you use a coonskins cap to signal all neighbors that things are getting funky in your room.
6. Don’t Drink in Your Dorm Without Your Door Open and Fans On
Before you crack open your first ice cold PBR, remember to get a breeze going by opening all of your windows and turning on fans. It is a well known fact that a majority of drinking citations occur as a result of the RA’s ability to smell alcohol from up to 100 feet away. To avoid this, make sure you drink with your door and windows open, and fans blowing air counter-clockwise around the room. Not clockwise. Never clockwise.
7. Nap in the Stacks
Up too late working on that 4 page paper due just two weeks from now? Need a quick nap before getting a headstart on the 30 pages of reading due the day after tomorrow? There is no quieter, less disturbed area of campus than the Library stacks. Curl up with a couple of books as pillows and a newspaper or two as a blanket, and you’re set for a couple of hours. Be careful though, rumors have it students have gotten lost in the stacks, never to be seen again.
Stay tuned to The Shambler for more August Term guides, tips and tricks. Until then, keep your lanyard close and your ping pong hand strong.
-Horace Holley
The Shambler 